I've Totally Lost Myself

I lost my cellphone. AGAIN. I can't help but think it's my fault that it got lost. But the thing is, I just left it here at home, at the kitchen table...if I didn't leave it there, it must be in X-Trail, but it's not. I had an early morning appointment and when I realized I didn't have my cellphone with me, we were in Country Club Drive. I had to be there on time so I thought I'd survive one day without it. Besides, I left it AT HOME. I'm convinced somebody took it. Maybe Lolo and Lola's driver. All the househelpers are also suspects, actually because they are the only people who could have taken it...and I hate that. I don't like to think those people stole it and I don't think they would do something like that. All of them have been here quite a long time. Ate Nita's the newest and she's been here for around 6 months already. I mean, she doesn't have a pleasing personality but I think she won't do something like that.

I'm still hoping the phone is just lost in the house, somewhere we forgot to look. I've called my cell this afternoon and it's OUT OF REACH. Usually when you hear that on a lost phone, it's already stolen and the thief might have turned off the phone. But I'm still hoping it wasn't stolen because my phone's battery is kinda messed up. It shuts off by itself. So I'm trying to think that it turned off by itself and it's still somewhere around here.

The unit itself isn't really important to me. Well it is, I mean, it's a 2.0megapixel camera phone so it's nice and it has a lot of other features that I really enjoy...but I don't really care about those things. I'm more concerned of all my contacts being in there! My friends, long lost friends, new friends.. they're all there!!! Plus, my possible employers will call that number!!! Besides, that phone isn't working properly anymore. I've dropped it so many times....but still...

I can't help but think that this OPTIMISM is not working. I'm still hoping that AAA's HR would call, but she hasn't (and how can she, now that my phone is nowehere in sight!). I'm still hoping, after 16 hours my phone got "stolen," it's only lost. I'm still hoping that the new positive-thinking I'm trying is working, but it doesn't seem to. Maybe it's really just all thinking...or maybe I'm in denial. I'm in denial that I didn't get the job, that I lost my phone or somebody stole it, and I'm in denial that I can't change for the better.

It's too early in the year to feel down. I've tried praying, btw. I thought it would make me feel better but the thing with prayer is you're aware you've prayed and you know you've tried to be good. So you're hoping that somehow God will be good to you, and I still feel like He's punishing me, and showing me who is boss (and I don't like being bossed around! I am my own boss!). I feel like I've totally lost myself. I'm just tired of all these things happening. I'm so tired, I don't even have the energy to cry.