Suppression: Things I Shouldn't Do at 23.

Over the weekend, my dad said something to me that I totally disagree with. Well, for one, I feel like he's in his andorpausal stage. One minute he's happy, and then he's raving mad the next. And being the only child at home really doesn't help. Where are my siblings when I need them? Maaannnnn. I'm seriously thinking of moving out. I actually kinda said that out loud by mistake last Sunday, and he said, "No."

"No," is such a powerful word for me, especially when it's uttered by my dad. I am 23 years old and I'm still seeking for his approval, and I'm beginning to hate myself for it. Seriously!

As a kid, I was taught to obey the elders. There are rules and standards to be followed, no questions asked. Disobeying, I have learned will result in very serious consequences such as spanking in the butt (although this never happened to me), or me being grounded, no use of computer, etc. So I just obeyed these rules growing up, tried to measure up to what I think was acceptable to my parents and for the most part, avoided confrontation with them.

I feared my parents when I was younger. Both of them had Type A personalities and I've seen them battle it out with words and the last thing that you wanna do is to upset them. I remember going home with my report card and I had a 79, I was crying and I didn't wanna talk to them because my agreement with them was I won't get a grade lower than 80. My dad was trying to compose himself as so not to burst, but he'd just let out a huge sigh. I could have done better. Ohwell.

I think this is one reason why my siblings and I just came together. We did the 'bad' things together (like getting out of the house in the afternoon without our nannies knowing), so if one would get caught, all of us will be scolded. Except for the few instances when Ate Erin or Kuya Nono got the boot. This would even go to getting things one wanted. Sometimes, we're just too afraid to ask for something we wanted, so we'd just say all of us wanted it, but looking back, yeah, we all wanted it the Play Station, for example. We helped out each other, Covering each other's asses was understood, and that goes on until today.

We're a happy family. I'd like to think we're normal and we've a close relationship with each other. But one reason why we don't go hugging each other is because our feelings have always been suppressed. One thing I notice is, whenever something upsets any of us, we'd go in our room and lock ourselves in it and we won't come out until we feel relieved. We won't talk to each other about it. We'll just move directly to forgiveness, without knowing how or why it was resolved, or was it resolved in the first place. I remember, when Zaza and I fought about something, we were forced to hug and kiss each other and once that's done, we're good. While my dad was forcing us to do this, Ate Erin and Kuya Nono were in the background laughing at us. I was about 5. I even have a picture of it! Now that I think about it, it's weird that we would move straight to the hug with all our anger and emotions bottled up inside.

And so I did. Whatever happiness or sadness I felt, I hid from my parents, with the fear that they won't like it. When I went to a soiree, I just said we hung out in my friend's house. I had my nose pierced when they were out of the country. I admit, when I saw their reaction with a silver stud in my nose, and they didn't know how to react, I enjoyed it. There was a huge sigh of relief when I was finally shifted my boring Eco-Accounting course. It was a struggle. They think I partied my way out of college, and that I am still partying at work. They don't know how frustrated I am that my sister is taking an "art" course, and they're excited to take her to different places: New York or Switzerland, when they told me that "art" won't bring me anywhere until I finish a business course.

I'd like to think I have moved on. I really do.

Which brings us to Saturday. My dad was in the van telling me I shouldn't act "too in love" with my boyfriend, that I should suppress these emotions I feel because there are certain norms and standards that the society has set for me to follow. That I shouldn't be dancing with him while I'm holding a beer, in my cousin's birthday party because it is an embarrassment to them and to my grandparents. That I shouldn't go to his house because it leaves a bad taste in the mouth, that I look cheap.

I seriously don't know how to react to all that. I was at the back of the van. I knew that no matter what I say would be wrong to them so I resorted to sarcastic remarks such as: "Generation gap lang yan, " or "Edi cheap ako, " or "Abnoy ako eh."

I mean, what could I possibly say? What's wrong with acting "too in love?" Isn't that a good thing? I can't even believe that I am being told to suppress something so good, if not one of the best things that ever happened to me.

And what's wrong with dancing with my boyfriend with a beer in my hand? He even had to tell my cousins to tell me to stop dancing. I mean.... WTF? I wasn't even drunk. I knew my younger cousins were there but I'm 23, I can drink whatever I want. And it's a party. They were serving beer and there was music. What do they want me to do? Drink iced tea and sit down? For the record, my grandparents enjoyed dancing with me, eventhough I had beer in my hand.

Finally, so what if I go to my boyfriend's house? We were gonna paint and his stuff was in his house. He goes to my house most of the time, and I know how far he lives from Alabang. It takes him frikkin 2 hours to get to my house from his house, so I thought, I'd go to him this time. And besides, we live in the age where women are most free. Old traditions don't apply anymore.

For all those 3 situations, I was just being myself and they can't even accept it.