Final Moments

A few days ago, I had a dream where I lost my tooth. It was so real. I can't really remember but I think I woke up in the middle of the night right after the tooth was pulled out. I'm not sure... But they say, when you dream of something like that, someone will die. For days, I was thinking about it and I thought about my family and someone dying from an accident or something...

A relative died just a few hours ago. It was Tita Baby. I haven't seen her since we last visited her and she was already sick and she didn't look really good, so I knew right then that she would be passing soon. It was weird. I almost forgot how she looked like. She was very ill. She was bald from her treatments and she was very frail. She couldn't talk very well but her tone--the strong tone she had--was still there.

We were there in Tita Boots's house when it happened. We went there at 11:30 at night. Zaza and I just dropped off Kuya Nono in his condo and we were watching John Tucker Must Die iny my laptop when Mom entered our room with her eyes all red, obviously from crying. She told us that Tita Baby had less than 24 hours to live and we should go visit her for the last time, so we did.

On the way there, we were talking about final moments. And then aloud I sighed, "Why do you have to wait for the last minute?," directing it to mom. Well it's not really on purpose but it just came out. But really, why is it that people only forgive and ask for apology on the final moments? Are they doing it out of the goodness of their hearts and that they have forgiven each other, or they're just doing it just to clear the conscience? It would be a huge burden to carry a grudge like that, wouldn't it? Would that anger or hatred stop the dead from entering heaven? I think that's what Christians believe. Hayy...

When we entered the room where Tita Baby's deathbed was, I was stunned, really. I've seen sick people before but I've never seen a dying person before. Something stopped me from walking further and nearer towards her dying body. She was at the stage where she lost her sight already. Her eyes were still open but they were grey and they were blank. Her mouth was open and there were breathing tubes in her nose. She really was trying to get all the time she had left. We all had the chance to whisper our final messages and goodbyes to her. Mom and Zaza were emotional. Ate Erin, surprisingly really poured her heart out. I couldn't really say if I was because I didn't shed a tear. Mom and Ate Erin went first, and then it took a couple minutes before Zaza had the gutts...but she suddenly bursted into sobs and tears. It was painful to watch but it was even more painful to see that Tita Baby, knowing that she could still hear what was going on, was also crying. She was obviously sobbing from the way she breathed and tears formed at the corner of her eye. I didn't want her final moments to be like that, really. I wanted her to just think of the happy times. So I told them I'd go ahead before Zaza..just to make her stable again.

As I held her hand, and whispered to her my final words, I really felt her there. I called her Tita Beauty since that's what we called her when were were young. I reminded her of the dance productions we did for Christmas and I felt her breathing stabilize. My voice cracked, but I pulled myself together and continued on with my message. It was short but I think there's really no point in bringing up the conflict or even promising her something that I wouldn't be able to do, and wouldn't do just to make her happy one last time. I think what was really important was just to give her peace of mind. Then when Zaza went, the tears and the sobs came. After that, I didn't want to stay inside anymore and watch all the drama unfold.

Two Christmases have passed that we haven't celebrated with the Romeros, Sy's, and the Arcegas who took their side. I must admit, the parties were much happier when they were around...but I think, that's just life. You go on with the journey knowing people but there would come a point wherein you can't take all the people you know all the way through.

Tita Beauty has contributed a lot to who I am now and I am grateful. I hope that she's happy wherever she may be.