Godwinks

I was in my room just a while ago and I saw the book Zaza's friends asked her to read. Godwinks at Love. Written there was the definition of 'godwink'. It says there that it's a signal from the universe or some sort of superior power... or something to that effect. I read the first few pages. It talks about coincidences and how they are not coincidences at all like it wasn't a coincidence that I was reading that book. It actually caught me. Being the romantic that I am, waiting for that fairy tale story of mine that should be happening to me that has not yet even started yet, the book was like talking to me. It says there that my fairy tale is bound to happen soon that life is just like a jigsaw puzzle. We just need to have the patience..blah blah blah. I closed the book. Surprisingly, I'm not that interested about my love life. Except it made me thinking for a few seconds about it. (When I went to the gym this morning, there was this cute guy and we were looking at each other but pretending not to look. Haha!) I shook the thought out of my head. I'm not really concerened about that now.

What I really want to know is if God gave me those godwinks. For almost two years now, I've been in search of myself. I'm not really sure but am I having an identity crisis? For sure I know me. But just like anyone else, there are still some things that makes me question myself. Maybe I just don't know what I want. I'm not sure about that either. I know exactly what I want and that is to be happy and to be content. At this point in my life, I'm not happy and I'm not content. I want to make something out of myself. My life doesn't seem to have a direction. For goodness' sake, I'm in my junior year in college and I do not really have a course yet! For sure He knows I want to take up film but He said not now..or maybe it was a NO or NEVER. Then I thought He told me to take up Marketing but heck, I didn't pass the frikking test! So where am I to go? Is that how He really intended things to happen? For me to end up in this crossroads? Really ironic for me who's been really good in directing and giving my friends advice. Who am I to give directions and advice?!

I've had my doubts on God. I haven't been talking to Him for quite a long time now. I mean, I really don't know what to say. Do I say thank you? My life's a mess and I can't really thank Him for that. Coming from a very conservative exclusive school, I was taught that everything's possible with God. I believed that. I also tried to believe that the problem is me. That since I am questioning Him, He's giving me a hard time. Someone told me that when you pray, God gives only four answers. No, Yes, Maybe, Not now. So I have to be patient, right? But it seems like all the answers to my prayers are NO. I even think He means NEVER. So I stopped praying. It made me feel like I'm only talking to myself. So where are these godwinks?!
So it seems like God only has one purpose in my life. I blame Him when everything's screwed up. He's like my punching bag. But sometimes I find myself asking Him to help me. Funny thing is, everything seemed to have worked well for me for the past two months. I was at peace this summer vacation, thankfully. I never broke the news to my parents about me failing the Marketing test. I've been itching to tell them but I don't know how and when I'd do it. Another waterworks on the way. That's what I hate about having too much fun. A friend told me that after too much fun is tears. I'm done crying. Or am I? It's only about to begin.

Godwinks... I don't think God winked at me. Maybe I refuse to see it and I don't want to accept it. Maybe I misinterpreted it as something else. He has a plan for everyone...and this is the way He planned my life. That's the safest answer, isn't it? So for every failure a person has, it's not her fault. It was planned. Right. But as much as we want to think that we are in control and that we make our own lives, for every failure we make, it's because of our mistakes and stupidity. Now that's difficult. In a person's lifetime, he would make millions of mistakes. I would have gone insane blaming myself for all the mistakes I've done. That's when godwinks appear. There are godwinks because we are in control and He's just giving us signals to give us a hint on where to go next. But I don't see those frikking godwinks!!! Where are they and why don't they come up when I need them?! I need them now and I need them fast. I need divine intervention. There's a lot to life that I want to experience but I feel so frikking boxed up. I feel like I'm missing on so many things. It's like I've become numb already. I want to do a lot of things but I feel that I need to fix my life first. I need directions to show me what's next. I need godwinks...really bad.