Killing Me Softly

I took my Marketing Test Wednesday last week. I even bought those MSA practice books so I could practice. But lousy Marketing Dept. posted too late. I knew about it the day before the test. And I had my Accounting midterms on the same day. I crammed as usual, but I didn't mean to. I was planning to be so frikking prepared for the test. But when I answered those practice tests, I was barely passing... I almost breezed through my Accounting notes just so I could study for that test...

I dunno how the test went. The English part killed me...the Math part..was okay. All in all... I'm just plain scared to check out the results. Jan said it was gonna be out today. While walking out of the campus, I was thinking if I should just go to the Marketing Department..but I can't do it. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't make it. I pictured so many images in my mind with what I would do if I'd fail. In my mind, I saw myself thinking of killing myself..but then I say to myself, I have to fall in love first and I have yet to make my award-winning movie. Then I saw myself not eating. Well that could work if I had self-control..but I don't. And then I see myself crying...AGAIN. I'm just tired of all this failures and disappointments. I just don't think I can handle it. I know I'm this tough chic on the outside..but really..I'm not as tough. I mean just right now, I'm freaking out just thinking about it.

I've tried novena. Oh yeah. Sure, I doubted God so many times..but when I went to Bohol and saw that scenery, I knew there is a God..it's just that God wasn't on my side. I'm only human. I needed Him and I was really desperate. I've prayed so many times before, asked Him for a favor, never did work. So I tried the novena. Praying the rosary. It's supposed to be 9 days...but I didn't have 9 days..I had 3 days. What I did was..I prayed the rosary 9 times in those 3 days...2, actually. And I actually cried. I was touched I guess. Maybe I was blessed...or maybe it was the dawn of the new me. Who knows...but right now, selfish as I may sound...I'm just thinking about the test. If I didn't pass the test..I'm trying to blackmail God..if that's even possible that I'm never talking to Him again. But that's so humanly stupid of me...

The more that I think about it..the more that I feel secured because I know that this time, God is on my side. He'll support me on this. But I also think about the disappointment I'm gonna cause to my parents and to myself...IF EVER...