It's All Coming Back

I’m feeling sorry for myself again. Damn. I really hate this. Just last night, my mom and I again fought for the TV. I know it’s really shallow but I guess my patience had run out again. I can’t believe this. Why do I have to be patient with my mom? Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around? That’s stupid of me to say, I know. But really, I was watching The Godfather. I’ve been planning to watch it for almost a week and yesterday was when I had the time. It just so happened that Dad got home early and was having a marathon for his newly bought series. I was watching with lights turned off for goodness sake. That’s how intense I was. But she comes asking me to stop it so she could watch the frikking mermaid show. Shit. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing but did I have a choice? That’s my mom. Shit shit shit. That just pissed me off so I paused the movie, gave her the remote, and walked out as usual.

I went to my room lie down in my bed and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then all these thoughts came to me really fast.

Since last week, I’ve been feeling the middle child syndrome…again. Going to Ubay to work didn’t really feel like work. It was more like bumming around. I was doing nothing. I answer phone calls and that’s about it. How the fuck am I gonna learn the value of money with that?! (My parents really don’t know how to ground me really. They said I can’t go out and watch concerts but on the same week they grounded me, I went out with my friends and cousins and watched a really awesome concert on a school day!). It was torture actually, sitting there and doing nothing when I could have gone home. So after my so-called work, we go to pick up Zaza from school. Last week, she enters the car was with this huge dilemma of what to major in: Hospitality, Culinary or Tourism. She’s torn really. She doesn’t know what to take up and she’s asking for everyone’s advice. I can’t blame her for not knowing what to do and how to decide. Ever since, we’ve been doing all the decision-making for her. What dress to wear, what shoes to buy or even what course to take. As far as I know, Dad was the one who suggested to her to take up HRIM in the first place. So there, her dilemma of what her area of specialty’s going to be.

Everyone has their own opinion and for me, I want her to take up Tourism. She said she wants to travel. I think she wants to travel more than she wants to cook, anyway. She’s not really the type who loves to cook. She has a few experiments and that’s it. Besides, with Tourism, she gets to see the world. Doing that for a living would be fantastic. My sister’s after the free accommodation we would get if she majors in Tourism and be a stewardess. But that’s not the only option she has when she takes up Tourism.

So in the car, she says she wants Culinary. Fine. She said that was the reason why she took up HRIM. So she goes to my Mom and asks her. My mom went, “Ano ba talaga gusto mo? Yang cooking naman…” I butt in really quickly, “Seminars.” I knew that’s what she was going to say. Taking up Culinary in CSB is actually the most expensive in the country so Zaza didn’t want my parents to invest that much. But then I remember when she asked Daddy about it. Here’s the surprise of the century. “Do what you’re passionate about.” That’s what he said, with his exact words. Wow. I’m happy for my sister. But when Daddy said that, I felt I was stabbed in the heart. I was speechless actually when he said that. Then I didn’t know what happened after that. All I remember after is that Dad asked me what I the fuck I’m gonna do with my life…with that tone. (You know that tone that “this kid’s a mess” kinda tone). “Ikaw ba, magla-law ka pa? Mag-law ka a. Subukan mo lang.” Wow. Where the hell did that come from? I mean, from a father who wanted his daughter to take up what she’s passionate about from a father ordering his other daughter to take up law.

Fighting Back the Tears

I tried all of that not to bother me. Still feeling very furious at my Mom, thoughts continued to pour down.

Ate Erin’s going to the States for a month and she leaves July. She stays there til August. Of course, this was news to everyone including all the Tito’s and Tita’s and all our cousins. When we were kids, Tito Bernie and Tita Joy always made jokes about who was the favorite child. And with the news of Ate Erin going to the States for a month was last week’s issue. In the office, Mommy told me to look for flights via internet for Ate Erin. So I did. But there was nothing that fit her schedule, so I told Mom that during lunch. I didn’t realize it until Tito Bernie started to ask questions. They also know about Zaza going to Bangkok for her P-Tour. (She changed it to Bohol because she said going to Bangkok was too expensive and most of her friends aren’t going). Then Tito Bernie began to talk about how Kuya Nono went with Dad already to the States last year, and now it’s Ate Erin, plus Zaza’s going to this P-Tour subject leaving me all alone. “Baket si Edel wala?” It was a joke, and it was well, sort of funny how that came to happen. So I played along, pretended to feel hurt, pretended to be on the verge of tears, “Oo nga! Ang daya!” Mommy was the target and we nailed her. I guess Mom knew that I wasn’t acting and that what I was really pretending to feel was that all of it was funny. But I laughed and she laughed and things were back to normal.

Saturday last week was Tita Ellen’s going away party. The three of us went ahead because Mom and Dad had to go to the blessing of the Family Council’s new office and Kuya Nono will be coming from Katipunan and he’ll be picking up Mama and Papa from Ubay. Since Tita Ellen was away for so long, someone brought this old photo album. It was my cousin Tintin’s first birthday album. My Tita’s and Tito’s were laughing their asses of seeing themselves back then when they had huge puffy hair with the 80’s fashion. It was hilarious. Tito Mat, who is now fat and bald, had long hair and was really thin. It was just nice to look at the past. I was looking at the pictures with Tita Joy. Then she notices this one particular photo where the moms were holding their kids and there I was, the only kid in the picture who was being held my the yaya. It was a nice picture. I dunno what we were supposed to do but that moment was just caught on camera. Everyone looked so happy with their moms and there I was being held by a yaya. Mom was holding Zaza. I don’t remember that particular moment in my life. I probably didn’t think it was such a big deal, I probably didn’t even care. It’s just then, when Tita Joy 18 years later, notices it and makes me realize.. “Oo nga noh.” But again, Tita Joy was joking. It made me think, has it always been like that?

Then Sunday, Father’s Day, the Riveras had a renunion and Tito Bernie and Tita Joy gangs up on Mommy: the traveling and the picture. I actually love it when they do that. My parents get that in-your-face feeling that I get every time they put me down. At least someone notices. It makes me feel assured that I am not the only one who notices. As they tell their jokes, I play along and as we all laugh at what seems to be just jokes, I try not to cry because I know that on that moment, I win and they lose. It just hurts me because Tito Bernie and Tita Joy feel what I feel, feelings that my parents just seem to ignore.

But do I really win? As I was lying in me bed, I feel defeated. Gawwddd, I just lost right there when I gave my Mom the remote. Now I feel like I need a tattoo.