The Things I Do For...

The good news is, I've realized that I should face the music, so now... I am. I am 20. Woohoo!!! I spent my whole birthday thinking and I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do but to accept. This is life. The ups and downs of my life..or rather my emotional roller coaster. Haha. I'm such a drama queen. Maybe it's just that I have too much idle time that I begin to think about stuff..

The things I do for temporary happiness. My Kuya's really upset about the shrooms. The truth is, I didn't do it because I have problems. C'mon. I'm not like that. About my friends, I get frustrated most of the time but it's all good. College life is hectic and I completely understand. Studies first. That's all our priorities. About my phone...I'm so over it. Right now, I'm just itching to have that frikking phone. Blame it to the TV that keeps on showing the frikking commercial. You know how I am when I want something really bad. I just have to have it. But of course, I don't get everything I want. I admit, I'm a brat. And that's actually one of my realizations so.. I'll try to get it out of my system. Ohh.. I'm getting fat. Actually..I'm comfortable with my body now. I still have to achieve my flab-free abs but I'm comfortable. So if he thinks I took those shrooms because I'm miserable. I am sorry. EEEE!!! Wrong. I took it all because I want to feel that "highness", just like when we drink at home. I'm not miserable. I felt that it was the perfect place..with 2 people I trust and the beach. I guess it was just wrong that I took it without knowing the consequences. So I'm sorry if he got upset, but I'm not sorry that I took it. And FYI, this is my blog. I can be the most OA person in the world here in my blog. These are all my craziness, my dramas, my senseless thoughts...

The sadness I felt on my birthday was not because of the effect of the shrooms. I've been dreading that day for weeks. I dunno. I keep talking about this frikking "crisis" I'm in. And now, I understand. I was afraid. I was frikking afraid to admit to myself that for 20 years that I've been here, I've done nothing amazing that I could be proud of. I'm behind. It has nothing to do with school or anything. I've been feeling like I'm behind with my life. I've been a frikking brat for too long and I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I did all this to myself. I made all these choices and what I'm regretting now is all my doing. I dunno exactly what it is that I'm talking about here. I just FEEL like I'm behind. Probably with experiences, maturity.. I dunno.

Moving on. My dinner with my barkada was fantastic. As always, they were there to listen to me and my whining and why I'm not celebrating... well I just basically told them I'm not ready yet. My long dramatic explanation would have required them to listen to me the whole evening. We were all there to listen to everyone, and it was great to hear from everyone. Ida, felt for me and she knows what I was talking about..so it's good to know. Karla was there!! I was so happy to see her. Abby and her "love"...I still need to have that bonding session though with Gaston. Hehe.. Since it was a school night, we couldn't stay til midnight..but it was amazing. Hayy...more of those please.

The things I do for...hhhmmm.. Haha!!! It's funny. Zaza and I were jogging last night and there you go. Maybe next time...

Oh and I've actually began to pray again before I sleep. The Goddesses have persuaded my to pray. And I am. And those OBE will never happen, I guess. I write down my prayers like a journal. And it helps. It really helps. I've done that Tickle test about my dreams and their meanings and it's consistent with what I'm searching for actually.. Security and control. OOHHHH.. I guess that's another blog... for now.. It's tata... my sister's waiting..