Snap Back to Reality

I have just came to the realization of what a mess I've done to myself. Before we left for Laoag, I updated my profile in Friendster...

I have a very contradiciting personality that I can't understand myself sometimes. (I am experimenting right now with my "steady lang" attitude). I'm loving and hating life and the people that I meet along the way. For some strange reason, I dunno why I intimidate people. (?!) I have a lot of friends (whom I choose carefully) of different characters and personalities but sometimes I like just being by myself, pondering on my existence. I like having serious conversations one on one but I can be really silly most of the times. I'm a pessimist but I still hope for the best. I strongly believe in God but I question him a lot of times. (It's been a love-hate relationship). I like the feeling of waking up really early when everyone else is asleep with the sun shining so bright..silence is a wonderful thing. I love hanging out with my close friends and getting drunk once in a while. (I enjoy the feeling of remembering what stupid things I did the day after). They say I'm a rebel, but I follow the rules. I'm a concerned Filipino citizen but I'm hating the government right now. The PINK TABLE FEDERATION (haha!) is one of the things that keep me sane--having sessions with my crazy and artistic cousins are the best: music session, corny jokes, highly philosophical talks, movie marathons. I don't know what the future holds. Years ago, I have planned my life, but then I realized that life doesn't always turn out the way we thought it would so...

See? I really don't understand myself. Man.. Haha. So for the mean time, I have a list of short term goals: 1.surfing 2.wakeboarding (and other cool watersport) 3.parasailing 4. scubadiving 5.perfect playing tennis 6.get rid of my addiction with McDo Cheeseburger Meal 7. trying (really hard) not to be a bum anymore....

It doesn't say much but one thing's clear: SABOG AKO. Damn. And I can't help but think that maybe I've been a bad influence to my younger cousins. For the past times I've been seeing them, Isay's been telling me how she wants to get her nose pierced. Well clearly, she doesn't know that there's more to my piercing than just this "astig" image I have. And then there's me shifting to Marketing, trying hard to be "the me" as Ikay calls it. I am still struggling no question, especially with my parents. They probably still think I'm lost or something, but I'm seeing the light. My being romantic is still in me. I'm just supressing it so I could open my eyes to reality. Reality is I wanna be happy and I can never be really happy knowing I disappointed my parents. I'll forever live with the guilt if I did. They still have the final laugh in one way or another. I will finish college and hopefully, I'd make up for my losses. If I really wanted to, I know I could have done a lot better. My college life has been nothing but mediocre. It's so frikking obvious with my grades. (Yeah yeah..grades aren't important but I'm just trying to make a point!) I see my friends stressed about thesis, and here I am having only 12 units this term. We'd be graduating the same year but they're gonna graduate with 2 degrees, I on the other hand, with one. No regrets, I'm telling myself. This is my life, I've made my own decisions. Shifting was the best thing I've done for myself and I feel good about that.

I desire to be happy and successfull. I want that Audi, that beach house and I want to be able to give my parents whatever they want whenever they want. I am worth a lot and I'm not willing to settle for the simple life. I want those designer clothes and a closet filled with a thousand shoes. I want people to look up to me and want to be me!!!

Now that's what I really want.

Romanticism is a wonderful thing but reality IS reality and we should deal with it. It's nice to live in fantasy world where I can be a film director and I'm just thinking that maybe it'd forever stay in dreamland and it would be better off if it did. In reality, how many of us turn out to be ballerinas or pilots? Not everyone gets to be rockstars and moviemakers. Sometime in the future, it'll hit us in the gut that we made the right decision of sticking to what's real.

In 5 months, I'll be twenty and I'd look back at the 19 years I lived and it'd be such a shame when I look back and see that I haven't done anything. Turning twenty for me is a big deal. By that time, I'd no longer be a teenager officially. It's like I can't make stupid mistakes anymore. People will be expecting me to be mature. 5 months is still a long way to go... Can I change my evil ways by then?! Maybe not. I'm human. I've just seen Before Sunset (it's soooo amazing) and Jesse said that people don't really change. We still go back to our habits. Hayy..life is difficult and it's supposed to be. But we get older, we grow and we learn how to deal with things better.

I am older, and I am better.