September 7, 2006 22:28
Ayala Greenfields
Where Do I Go From Here?
This morning when I woke up, I asked myself, “What now?” This has been the day that I have been preparing for.
It’s been 22 days since I have finished college. I was really fortunate because my grandparents’ recently celebrated their golden anniversary. I was fortunate because there were a lot of family gatherings and parties that just happened. Even my relatives from the US came here for that occasion. And last week, they left. Sad to say, the parties are over. Now, I’m here in my aunt’s house because I tutored my little cousins for their exams. Today’s their last day of exam so my job here is done. Needless to say, I’m at the top of their house enjoying the quiet time and the beautiful scenery.
My college life has ended. After defending my thesis and learning that I have passed, I was relieved. It’s over! My graduation is not until October but who cares? I have submitted all my requirements and have finished my course in BS Marketing Management in De La Salle University-Manila. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t returned to the school yet. I wasn’t even aware of the course card distribution last week because I was out with my high school friends who are now also bumming.
Bum. I am now a bum. By definition, the word “bum” means: a lazy, worthless person; and “bumming” means: travel with no particular purpose. That’s a harsh way of putting what I am now, but yes. The definition captures exactly my situation. Bumming has its benefits though. I get to watch all the shows I want, read all the books I want, exercise all day, eat all day, sleep all day. Well… basically I can do whatever I want that wouldn’t cost me anything. Cost…of course. Nothing’s free in the world anymore. Since I no longer go to school, my parents are not giving my any money anymore. In fact, I have been “working” for my parents (even relatives!) since I became a bum. I pick up my sister, do errands, even baby-sit! Baby-sitting has been my job for a few weeks now. And I must say… I’m not ready to have kids yet.
All this bumming around has made me reminisce about the past. I remember when I was in grade school, I couldn’t wait to get into high school. I was so excited to be a teenager. I remember my transition from reading Sweet Valley Kids to Sweet Valley Twins. I loved going to the book store to get a new book to read and then place it on the shelf in my room. As time passed, I was able to fill it with books and I was so proud of myself. A few years later, I was in high school and my shelf started to fill up with Love Stories.
I enjoyed high school. I remember so many great things in my high school. I had a lot of firsts. I wore my first bra (my best friend and I felt so itchy but since we wouldn’t look cool scratching our boobs, we would go to the rest room and then scratch to death and then go out as if nothing happened), my menstruation (choosing the right pad is the worst), soiree (GH boys and E boys), party (at Sab’s), gimmicks (Galle is the place to be!)… the works! I formed my clique and we were very popular. We stuck together and we’re still very good friends. We made a pact that we wouldn’t have boyfriends until college so we didn’t really pay attention to the soirees. We talked about it but it was nothing serious. We enjoyed each other’s company imagining what the future would be like, how we would change in college, who will be the first to have a boyfriend and how we’ll hang out weekly.
Then came college. College was not what I thought it would be. I was a romantic. Maybe it was because of my Love Stories collection that I thought I would fall in love in college. It was too naïve to think of college that way. Coming from an exclusive Catholic school did not help either. I became conscious of the boys in my class and insecure of some of the girls. There were all sorts of people in my class. It was hard for me to fit in at first. I tried hanging out with the large group of girls, and then eventually found 4 girls and then the rest were the boys. I realized, it was a lot easier to hang out with the boys because they were happy go lucky and it was just fun. Having my college friends made me realize how boxed I was in high school. It made me appreciate them and my high school friends as well. Of course, I had a lot of memorable experiences in college as well. It was during these years that I learned how to curse, cut class, never study for a quiz, sleep during a class (but I was always caught), came home late, came home in the morning, got drunk and high (not on the same night, excuse me). There were so many firsts in college, but I never got my first kiss or my first boyfriend. I had a few crushes and there were times when I thought a guy was coming on to me but I don’t know. Well…there were guys who I knew for sure but they weren’t my type so I just dismissed them. Then there were the ones I liked. Really liked. A few of them made me feel something but maybe it was just me. There were a number of times I wanted to ask the guy out but I never had the nerve. College has come and gone and I’m still here. A little confused, a bit desperate but in denial. But I gained a lot of friends who are more than willing to hang out with me when I ask them to.
I’ve met friends, gained a lot of experiences and earned a degree. Am I ready to face the real world? When I was in grade school, I thought life would start in high school. And when I was in high school, I thought it would start in college. Now that I’m done with college, I feel like my life hasn’t even begun yet. I feel like I’m missing out on something. Something big. As I sit here thinking, I have so many questions about the future. Should I just pursue law like what my dad has been telling me to? Did I make the right decision in taking up Marketing rather than Film Making? Do I have what it takes to succeed in life? Will I end up alone? Is my resume impressive enough for a company to hire me? Am I ready? But more importantly…Where do I go from here?
