It's All Coming Back

I’m feeling sorry for myself again. Damn. I really hate this. Just last night, my mom and I again fought for the TV. I know it’s really shallow but I guess my patience had run out again. I can’t believe this. Why do I have to be patient with my mom? Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around? That’s stupid of me to say, I know. But really, I was watching The Godfather. I’ve been planning to watch it for almost a week and yesterday was when I had the time. It just so happened that Dad got home early and was having a marathon for his newly bought series. I was watching with lights turned off for goodness sake. That’s how intense I was. But she comes asking me to stop it so she could watch the frikking mermaid show. Shit. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing but did I have a choice? That’s my mom. Shit shit shit. That just pissed me off so I paused the movie, gave her the remote, and walked out as usual.

I went to my room lie down in my bed and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then all these thoughts came to me really fast.

Since last week, I’ve been feeling the middle child syndrome…again. Going to Ubay to work didn’t really feel like work. It was more like bumming around. I was doing nothing. I answer phone calls and that’s about it. How the fuck am I gonna learn the value of money with that?! (My parents really don’t know how to ground me really. They said I can’t go out and watch concerts but on the same week they grounded me, I went out with my friends and cousins and watched a really awesome concert on a school day!). It was torture actually, sitting there and doing nothing when I could have gone home. So after my so-called work, we go to pick up Zaza from school. Last week, she enters the car was with this huge dilemma of what to major in: Hospitality, Culinary or Tourism. She’s torn really. She doesn’t know what to take up and she’s asking for everyone’s advice. I can’t blame her for not knowing what to do and how to decide. Ever since, we’ve been doing all the decision-making for her. What dress to wear, what shoes to buy or even what course to take. As far as I know, Dad was the one who suggested to her to take up HRIM in the first place. So there, her dilemma of what her area of specialty’s going to be.

Everyone has their own opinion and for me, I want her to take up Tourism. She said she wants to travel. I think she wants to travel more than she wants to cook, anyway. She’s not really the type who loves to cook. She has a few experiments and that’s it. Besides, with Tourism, she gets to see the world. Doing that for a living would be fantastic. My sister’s after the free accommodation we would get if she majors in Tourism and be a stewardess. But that’s not the only option she has when she takes up Tourism.

So in the car, she says she wants Culinary. Fine. She said that was the reason why she took up HRIM. So she goes to my Mom and asks her. My mom went, “Ano ba talaga gusto mo? Yang cooking naman…” I butt in really quickly, “Seminars.” I knew that’s what she was going to say. Taking up Culinary in CSB is actually the most expensive in the country so Zaza didn’t want my parents to invest that much. But then I remember when she asked Daddy about it. Here’s the surprise of the century. “Do what you’re passionate about.” That’s what he said, with his exact words. Wow. I’m happy for my sister. But when Daddy said that, I felt I was stabbed in the heart. I was speechless actually when he said that. Then I didn’t know what happened after that. All I remember after is that Dad asked me what I the fuck I’m gonna do with my life…with that tone. (You know that tone that “this kid’s a mess” kinda tone). “Ikaw ba, magla-law ka pa? Mag-law ka a. Subukan mo lang.” Wow. Where the hell did that come from? I mean, from a father who wanted his daughter to take up what she’s passionate about from a father ordering his other daughter to take up law.

Fighting Back the Tears

I tried all of that not to bother me. Still feeling very furious at my Mom, thoughts continued to pour down.

Ate Erin’s going to the States for a month and she leaves July. She stays there til August. Of course, this was news to everyone including all the Tito’s and Tita’s and all our cousins. When we were kids, Tito Bernie and Tita Joy always made jokes about who was the favorite child. And with the news of Ate Erin going to the States for a month was last week’s issue. In the office, Mommy told me to look for flights via internet for Ate Erin. So I did. But there was nothing that fit her schedule, so I told Mom that during lunch. I didn’t realize it until Tito Bernie started to ask questions. They also know about Zaza going to Bangkok for her P-Tour. (She changed it to Bohol because she said going to Bangkok was too expensive and most of her friends aren’t going). Then Tito Bernie began to talk about how Kuya Nono went with Dad already to the States last year, and now it’s Ate Erin, plus Zaza’s going to this P-Tour subject leaving me all alone. “Baket si Edel wala?” It was a joke, and it was well, sort of funny how that came to happen. So I played along, pretended to feel hurt, pretended to be on the verge of tears, “Oo nga! Ang daya!” Mommy was the target and we nailed her. I guess Mom knew that I wasn’t acting and that what I was really pretending to feel was that all of it was funny. But I laughed and she laughed and things were back to normal.

Saturday last week was Tita Ellen’s going away party. The three of us went ahead because Mom and Dad had to go to the blessing of the Family Council’s new office and Kuya Nono will be coming from Katipunan and he’ll be picking up Mama and Papa from Ubay. Since Tita Ellen was away for so long, someone brought this old photo album. It was my cousin Tintin’s first birthday album. My Tita’s and Tito’s were laughing their asses of seeing themselves back then when they had huge puffy hair with the 80’s fashion. It was hilarious. Tito Mat, who is now fat and bald, had long hair and was really thin. It was just nice to look at the past. I was looking at the pictures with Tita Joy. Then she notices this one particular photo where the moms were holding their kids and there I was, the only kid in the picture who was being held my the yaya. It was a nice picture. I dunno what we were supposed to do but that moment was just caught on camera. Everyone looked so happy with their moms and there I was being held by a yaya. Mom was holding Zaza. I don’t remember that particular moment in my life. I probably didn’t think it was such a big deal, I probably didn’t even care. It’s just then, when Tita Joy 18 years later, notices it and makes me realize.. “Oo nga noh.” But again, Tita Joy was joking. It made me think, has it always been like that?

Then Sunday, Father’s Day, the Riveras had a renunion and Tito Bernie and Tita Joy gangs up on Mommy: the traveling and the picture. I actually love it when they do that. My parents get that in-your-face feeling that I get every time they put me down. At least someone notices. It makes me feel assured that I am not the only one who notices. As they tell their jokes, I play along and as we all laugh at what seems to be just jokes, I try not to cry because I know that on that moment, I win and they lose. It just hurts me because Tito Bernie and Tita Joy feel what I feel, feelings that my parents just seem to ignore.

But do I really win? As I was lying in me bed, I feel defeated. Gawwddd, I just lost right there when I gave my Mom the remote. Now I feel like I need a tattoo.

Feeling Ecstatic!

So! I went to the Linkin Park concert last night! The concert was cut short I think because the crowd was gonna blow, but hey..that was Linkin Park. I was in the front row..which was meant to be..but the people went really crazy. Jumping up and down in unison was amazing. Well forget the BO of the person in front of me, the pushing, the sweating..it was cool. Not to mention there were a lot of cute guys around, I mean a lot! Hehe.. I didn't mean to boyhunt. It's just that they're everywhere! Which by the way is not a normal thing. It's good to know there are still a lot of good looking boys around.

Waiting for the concert to begin wasn't so bad. People were calm..but when the lights went out, the pushing start, the screaming of course. When Linkin Park came out, I knew it was gonna get worse. But I know I'd do it all over again if they came back. But I will make sure, I'll meet and greet them. Damn! I should've used my LP Underground ID...stoopid girl...

Friday night..Unexpectedly, I saw Ben Jelen. Really great musician. Knows how to play the piano, the vilon and the guitar plus, a singer. A real musician. Then we went to see an artfilm. Haha. That was hilarious. That day, I only had 3 hours of sleep so I was up for more than 24 hours. Then that movie. That French film. That was probably one of the most boring movies of all time. Kuya Nono said to me before that no matter how boring a movie is, he never falls asleep. But he slept on that movie. That's how bad it is. Haha!

But it was okay. Got to spend time with my cousins. I love spending time with my cousins. When we're together, we never run out of things to talk about. Corny jokes are always part of the program. And! We talk about mind-boggling stuff, philosophical shit or even shallow things. That's how far we'd go. From music to movies to books to our childhood experiences..blah.. We now have our own club. It's like this exclusive thingie that only smart people like us can enter. It's called the Pink Table Federation (PTF). We are pioneers of this federation and surprisingly, our founder is my cousin from my mother's side. Kenneth. Hehe. This will probably legacy we will pass on to our kids and our grand kids. IMMORTALITY! Hehe..

I also spent time with the goddesses. It's been a while since we were complete. We've updated ourselves with everything and that includes our lovelives. For most of us, it was non-existent so instead, we talked about boys. (If we stuck with the love life term..there wouldn't be anything to talk about. Haha!) Well as for me, my brother's friend, a really huge flirt began to text me last week. At first I thought it was just the typical hi-how-are-you. The next thing I know, we've exchnaged more than a hundred messages. My friends always tell me that I should entertain these things because everything will start with flirting, right? So yeah I did. But after a few days, I just wasn't enjoying it anymore. I mean, sure he was like my ultimate crush when I was, what.. 1st year high school! That's like 6 years ago! It's cute though because now, he's flirting with me. But the thing is, the more that I talk to him, the more I'm convinced that it was all just a crush. Besides, he's not cute now. In fact, he's big. Really big. And the more that I'm convinced he's one big loser. Haha. Bamboleo days, he kept making all these side comments to Kuya Nono about how cute if we dated and shit but it will be awkward because he's friends with my brother. Duh! Well yeah, I'm flattered..but really..DUH! I know, DUH is such a big word..hehe..but that's all I can say. DUH! DOI! Now, he has a girlfriend and he's texting me because he's bored, his girlfriend is asleep..all that shit. As much as I want to tell him to just wake his girlfriend up, I don't want to do that because he's friends with my brother, and his mom is friends with my mom. What's so frikking annoying is the way he wants my family to know that we're texting. "Hey my mum says hi to your mum." "Say hi to your sisters for me." Again...DOI! And when I told him my Mom was surprised to know that we're texting, he goes "Baket di ba nila alam na nagtetext tayo? Ü" So I went "Baket? Hindi ko naman sinasabe sa kanila sino mga katext ko eh. Why, do you?!" Urgh! I hate it. I'm like his girl toy now..text-me-when-you're-bored. DOI DOI DOI! Sure, it's nice that someone texts you and asks you how your day is but him and me..just won't work and I won't work it out. He even wants us to do something together, which I said "Sure!" just to be nice. Well, it's boxing..and I've been wanting to try that..so I guess saying yes to that wasn't just because I was being nice. Haha. So the verdcit of my friends?! Is he in or out?

I didn't really need their advice on this one, we think alike when it comes to this stuff, and all of us said..HE's OUT. I'm not a master in the art of flirting so I guess with him, I was able to practice. Haha!

I had a good weekend. I got to spend time with my friends and family. I got tickets for the LP concert, and I was able to buy 4 cd's! I got Ben Jelen, Hoobastank, Jamie Cullum (a new, young jazz musician who also plays the piano) and The Calling. A new bunch to play on my component over and over again. So I saw Chester, Mike, Phoenix, Rob and Brad bring it on yesterday, had a great time, and Ben Jelen upclose. So I'm ecstatic again. The feeling I haven't felt for a while now..and I love this feeling! Wow..it's like all those negative vibes are gone...well maybe temporarily..

I'm A Woman Of The World!

I never thought I'd be this happy for a punishment. I mean after last night, I felt like the sun would never rise again. I swear. When I was sleeping, I was tossing and turning, waking up in the middle of the night thinking "Shit...I'm gonna commute tomorrow, I dunno how the hell I'm gonna do that and I have to work... WORK!" I wasn't even able to study for my Algebra test! I was just so scared and worried about what's gonna happen today. About my test..I answered a couple of questions..but I dunno if I'd pass that test. Hafta study extra hard now for the following lessons. Damn!!

So I went to school really paranoid. I thought of nothing but the day ahead. My eyes were puffy so I had to wear my glasses. Waking up so early in the morning feeling stressed really sucks. It's like a bad hairday that's never gonna end. Everything seems wrong. I only had two classes so I'm done by 9am. I was with Sugar the whole time and I told her what's up with me. Her class was at 1030 so sometimes I'd stay to just hang out. Sugar's a lot like me. We're both very sheltered but we know what's going on with the world. (Just recently, we've become "gym buddies". Haha..we attended this Body Jam in fitness first..turns out it was a dance class..and we NEVER dance..we looked like idiots..really embarrassing). We know how lucky we are to have hardworking parents..blah..and we're both desperate for money. We wanna go shopping but we don't have the means. We'd spend so many hours talking about shoes and clothes..and once in a while we talk about politics, religion and life. I guess that keeps us grounded. We have all these realizations about everything. So when I told her I was gonna commute alone, she knew it was a big deal to me. My mom's been telling me to commute going to Ubay when something happens in the carpool, but I never did. I'd rather die. I'd wait for the next shift for about an hour than commute. I know this sounds really stupid of me..as in like dumb-blondish (is that a word?) but I don't like it because it's so polluted my face will get absorb all the dirt, my hair gets sticky or whatever. So I just sat there with Sugar thinking if I'm gonna do it or just text Miko and tell her I'm riding with her going home, wait until 1130. Surprisingly, when Sugar went to class, I went straight to the LRT station. Sugar told me it was P12 but it was P15! And I also didn't know how much the jeep fare is. All I knew is that I was gonna get down at Blumentritt and ride a jeep that says La Loma or Retiro.

It wasn't bad. There are just a lot of people in the train!!! I can't believe it. I was in the famale section, of course (I knew that..I'm not totally clueless). I stood there with a bunch of people. Riding the LRT really is an eye-opener. I know that the Philippines is getting worse by the second and that a lot of my fellow Filipinos are suffering. It's just that the moment I enter Alabang, you don't feel that. It's like I'm in a totally different world. I enter the village and I see people jogging, walking their dogs, riding their cars with their windows down. You don't see people doing these in the streets of Sampaloc, or even Ubay! Goodness, there aren't even sari sari stores here! I miss those, by the way. And when I was there standing with the "normal" people..I felt like that I should do that more often. I'm just so exposed to this ubelievably comfortable life and I don't feel how it really is. Then I saw Pasig River. Man..it stinks. The smell just penetrated through the doors and it's really bad. People came in and out of the train and it's really fun seeing all those people. I wonder where they're going, what's a typical day for them and if they realize it's my first time to do that alone. I think I did a pretty good job. I looked like I knew what I was doing. My acting skills come in handy outside the theater. Hehe..
Then I rode the jeep. I just hopped in the first jeep I saw with the La Loma/ Retiro sign. They were just filling it up and I'm the second one in it. There was a guy who obviously came from La Salle, a frosh, holding a Filipino book about retorika or something. Hehe.. It took a while before it was filled up, but I enjoyed watching everyone. People from all walks of life. It's just nice to make a short film about that. I dunno what you call the person who calls out "A La Loma/ Retiro! Siyam pa siyam pa!" (but I'm gonna find out really soon..that's Baste's job! I can't believe I dunno what you call them). She's really amusing. And then a bunch of kids enter the jeep and they're all excited to go to school with new bags and uniforms. (I miss wearing my STC uniforms!). Ahhh..I just can't wait to do it again on Friday.

Ever since, I've dreamed of living in New York and live there independently but I have always thought that I can never make it there on my own in a single day. New York is just so appealing to me. People there are very liberal, independent. The life is fast-paced. I've always thought of myself as a city-girl, which is obviously, I am not...until today. Haha. I know, I know it sounds really shallow of me to say that just because I learned how to commute alone. But this is a start. AND! I'm working! I will actually earn money. That's so exciting. I'm desperate for money. Sure, it's not like I'm gonna earn like thousands of Pesos a month, but hey, it's a start.
Today, I feel like I'm a completely different person. I feel like I have purpose...I'm not a royal tenen-bum anymore. I'm a woman of the world! It feels soo good! In no time, I'll be just like Carrie Bradshaw. Walking the streets of New York in my Manolos. Well..give it a year...I can't do it overnight!

Doom's Day Has Finally Come

I've been anticipating for this day. I just told my parents I flunked the Marketing test and that I have to take it again. They finally got the answer why I only have 12 units this term. They now understand why I have the amazing schedule I have, being home by 9:30am, even before the day stars for some people, every Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays. I've been keeping this from them since March. I never planned on telling it to them because I knew my summer vacation would be ruined. I would never have gone to Caliraya or Subic. I probably have spent all those times at home, being punished for my failure. That would have been really bad.

I realized that the deadline for shiftees will be on Friday. I knew at that very moment that my happy days are over. I had to tell them. Jan told me I didn't have to tell them, that I could tell a completely different story why they had to sign the shifting forms but I didn't want that. I want them to know the truth. Oh yes. Everyone wants nothing but the truth. So that's the truth, and it hurts. I could tell from their faces that me, their 3rd child, Ma. Edelyn Victoria R. Sarmiento has failed them once again. That's like my only success story. Ever since, I've successfully failed my parents. I used to be the kid who had direction in life. I was so determined to be the first lawyer in the family. I knew exactly what I wanted and who would have thought, that out of the 4 of us, I'll be in this mess right now. That's probably the biggest question I have. Why did it have to be me? I used to be so goal-oriented. I dreamed that by the age of 25, I'd be rich and successful with my designer office attires. Used to...

I talked to them just a few minutes ago and I wanted to say so much but as usual, I can't help the waterworks. I don't know! Everytime I talked, my voice cracked so I just sat there and shut up. I want to make them proud. I always have. But I never did. That just tortures the hell out of me. I want to make something out of myself but it's like something is holding me back. Still, even how hard I explain, one thing remains. I still disappointed them. And I disappoint me.

The ironic thing is they told me that I should have told them this when I found out. They should have done something about it, they would have make me do something productive. Damn, they would have even told me to attend all the "seminars" about film. (Wow. They would have loved that! Especially my dad!) Turns out, they let me go out as much as I wanted to because they thought this sem would be hard because I'd be taking my majors. So why am I doomed? I'm punished of course. I am to work for my mom every MWF. I'd go straight from school. And I have to commute! Can this be any worse?! I mean..it's June! Typhoons are in and out of the country and the sky is always dark not to mention there are cloud formations everywhere! I'm banned from gimmicks for 3 months. My mom even told me that it should be one whole year. She's ruining my social life. I mean..this is the time when I really need my friends. This is killing me. The worst thing of all is that I have planned for my friends and I to get together on Friday since for the first time in like a year, Karla is free to go out. Ida is even cutting one whole day of class for that.

This is their way of pushing me out of my comfortable life and see the world. Be one with the common people and experience what's it like to be in their shoes. To know how valuable time is, how hard it is to earn money. So I'd be riding the LRT and then a jeep to Ubay. I know how to ride the LRT..but God knows what jeep I should get into. I'll probably won't even do it this week. This is just so hard for me. I know that they're doing this for me. But why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!?! WHY WHY WHY?!?! I could definitely look at this from a brighter light. But now, it's like the whole world is on my shoulders. Can I do this?! I know I deserve this...

Nothing But A Second Rate Trying Hard...

For the update..we're now talking. After what...5 days? That's probably the longest fight we had. I wasn't actually ready yet. Mom and Dad just kept on pushing us. I just wanted them to stop so I told them we're cool. Well we're cool now. We didn't talk about the fight. We just started talking. There's still something there..negative vibes for sure. But it's gonna fade away. Eventually.

Okay..we're sisters. We've been together forever and it's gonna stay like that. That's one of the things that you just can't change. It's really annoying though that our parents still think that we're young as in like before. They used to dress us up like we're twins. Eversince, I hated that. Really. When I was in high school, when I go out with my friends, they tell me to bring her along. Hello?!?! She has friends of her own and I don't wanna go out with them in their gimmicks. When I went to Caliraya, I actually had to lie and tell them that I had to go there for "training". Because if I didn't, I'd be dragging her along. That's just not right. It's not that because I don't wanna be with her or anything, but yeah..I didn't wanna be with her when I'm with my friends.

When we were little, it's like everything I wanted, she wanted. It's like she's competing with me all the time. And now, I read her post in the Friendster bulletin board...urgh! What is that?! I know, I'm 19, but why do I feel like all of sudden, I'm 13 again and she's following me around everywhere I go. I've heard that copying is the highest form of flattery...but really now, I'm not flattered. I may just be assuming she's copying me..but I can't help it. Gawwwddd..it's like I'm watching the Lizzie McGuire episode when someone was copying Lizzie and it drove her nuts. STOP IT!!! Omg...I'm gonna blow!!!

Ironic..I just had my wisdom tooth removed and I'm not any wiser. In a million ways, I'm still very very childish. I've written 3 paragraphs and that just shows my maturity..or have ever I matured?! C'mon..I'm only human. Pardon me.

The Evil Sister Lives

Oh God! I can't believe Zaza. I interrupted her for a few minutes on the computer two nights ago..and we're not talking. I didn't even mean to interrupt! Well she was chatting with her freaking crush via YM and I just had to print ID pictures of me and my mom and she goes pinching me calling me a fucking bitch who is insecure for not having a guy drooling over me. Too bad for her I locked her out of our room. What was that anyway? I even did her a favor! I politely told her crush "brb" so the Shin Chan looking guy who, by the way is not even cute, wouldn't think Zaza ignored him or something. AND! I didn't even bother reading what the hell they were talking about because I was rushing to look for the fucking ID pictures so I could leave and she could go on talking with that creature. And she calls me an insecure bitch who's just sooooo envious for not having a guy to chat with. That's just soo lame. And all I did was lock her out of the room for one night. Sheesh. And then now, I'm the infamous evil sister..as usual. Poor Zaza. Her evil sister locked her out of the room. What about poor me for not having a guy to chat with in the middle of the night?! Nahhh...just not me. Hehehe.. And just for the record... I'm not insecure with her. Now you can think whatever you want to think.. that I really am and that I'm just too proud to admit it. But really though. No. Well you can read my entries again about me fantasizing about the guy of my dreams, but as of now..that's not what I'm concerned with. Sure, having romance wouldn't hurt, but I just want direction in my life. And love life isn't just in my priorities. I want to do this on my own...love life will come after. Seriously though, I don't know if I should be happy for Zaza. I feel like she's just experiencing peer pressure. Yeah right, and I'm not? Well...yeah! She keeps complaining about her friends obsessing over guys and here she is obsessing over one! I've heard her so many times bitching about her so-called "friends" (who ditched their studies to hang out and spot some boys at their school) saying that all they think about is boys boys boys and there she was dragging me out of the computer and calling me an insecure bitch (I can just say thing over and over again) just so she could talk to her guy. What is that?! The funny thing is, with her friends, she's always, always, always (!) making it as if I contaminated her or something with the way I think about boys, having these ridiculous standards, the girl-should-never-do-the-first-move stuff, and a whole bunch of things that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend. It's really annoying because from the way she talks about her friends, she makes it appear like she's not pathetic like her friends chasing over guys..any guy for that matter, but obviously she is. I call that hypocrisy if you ask me. But that's just the evil sister talking..actually no...that's really me talking.

Well..we haven't been talking for almost 3 days now and I'm still not in the mood to talk to her. I'm not sad or anything though. That Yes, we're sisters and we share the same room (as of the moment though, she's sleeping with Ate Erin, and I have the room all by myself...I miss those days!), we live in the same house. We're definitely gonna come around. Sooo not happening today though. Which brings me to the day when we had our Family Encounter. During that time, SHE was so insecure with me that she wished my parents just aborted me the way they really planned to. And I'm not making this up. She even wrote a letter to me saying that she wished I just wasn't born so she doesn't have to compete with me. I kept that letter actually, in a box where my reco letters are. Really sweet of her, huh? But then again, that was for the Family Encounter and that was years ago. Truth is though, she gave that to me AFTER the Family Encounter. But I've forgiven her, tried to forget it, which apparently, I failed to do. It's just that now with our situation, I can't help but think that maybe she still wishes that. BUT! Too bad for her, again...the Evil Sister lives.