Distraction

I need distraction! So I'm playing BOOKWORM Deluxe! Haha! I love it. Keeps my mind off..things!
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Hmmm...I need to workout, diet and a haircut...

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About the pictures...I dunno how to post them...Haha!

Reyna ng Sablay..

Wtf's wrong with me?! I keep erasing my entries!!!
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Damn...I couldn't concentrate on my driving going home!!! I keep hearing this song by Sugarfree "Hari ng Sablay" and it goes ..."pasensya na..natatataranta lang ako sa iyo..." and then a bunch of songs played as if the universe is trying to tell me something..Jeez!

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I had a test in Markres and I was late (I'm always late for quizzes! Grr!). Well I hope I did good on that one. So anyway, I finished early so I went out. I was still a little sabog. I knew a few of my classmates were there. I was hoping he was so I went out, and he was! For some reason, they were all eating. He was eating this chocolate cake roll. Turned out they have a weekly cris cringle and this week's theme was something long and soft. So that's what he got. He offered me to have a bite...more than twice. First of all, that was chocolate and everyone knows just how I love chocolates. Secondly, HE was offering me to have a bite. The most logical thing to do was have one. So I did the complete opposite. Gawwdd. What's up with me?! Maybe I'm not a very logical person...grrrrr!!!!! Then he told our classmates that I should join, as in ME. Then a classmate said our group should join. So I agreed. But see, the point here is HE invited ME. Haha. Aryt nevermind. So it was P50 a week. Wednesdays,we're picking our babies and Fridays, we're giving the gifts. This would go on until the last week of December. And for that last week, it'd be P500. Cool. Then again, I'd wish he'd pick me everytime. URGHH!!! I hate this!!! Haha!

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I had merrienda with Tats, Ther and Sugar after that. (Of course, if they didn't say goodbye, I would've just stormed out! URGHH!). It's been a long time since we were together like that. I miss those days...hopefully next week, we're gonna have one of those again.

Another Weird Dream

What's up with my dreams?! 2 nights ago, I had a dream where my friend got pregnant. Damn. That's all I remember. She was pregnant and she didn't know what to do. I have no idea what this means at all. I haven't seen her for a really long time... Jeez..
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Hmmm...yesterday, I had a chance to catch up with Diane and Jam. After my test in Stat (frkking confusing), I had 30 minutes before my next class. There was nothing to do so I just waited outside my classroom, then I bumped into Diane. We went down to our usual tambayan, Yuchengco. Yadda yadda. Everything's the same except that their thesis is making her life harder. Then I didn't have my last class because my prof was absent and I had 1 and a half hours to kill (I had to wait for my carpool..). And Jam was in "loner status". Haha. He was in McDo when I texted him and he bought me Twister Fries (sarrrap!). Then we stayed in Yuchengco again. As always, he'd joke around and tease me with my gothic-looking-when-was-the-last-time-he-took-a-bath crushes. (FYI, they're all cute and they don't look like they don't take a bath!). And I told him I'm over them which led to who is the guy this time? Well for an intro, I told him he was a different, a "good boy", gentleman and he seems religious and that I feel like he's "too good" for me. I didn't wanna tell him who because he might know him and the last thing I need is another guy teasing me with him, like Ted does. So he made some guesses and turned out, he doesn't know him. *Whew! (So yeah..I told him who..damn it!). And as for him, he has a huge crush on one of my friends (not close..) since I can remember and they're seatmates in one of their classes, and he still doesn't have the courage to talk to her. Man! Talk about major torpe, now I call him "LOOOOSER". And then he asked me if I've had a boyfriend, then I said no. As expected, he made fun of me. So I asked him if he did, and he said yes...back in the fifth grade. Haha! That's not even a real relationship.

Then as our conversation started to become serious, 2 DO's went up to us and said that we should throw our McDo trash in the trashcan before someone else sees us. Jam was just terrified. He thought we're going to the Discipline Office. Then they asked if my nose ring was real. Duuhhh. I see that DO guy almost everyday and he sees me with it and even Mang Jack has seen me wear it a million times. First of all, I'm not a friking loser who'd have a stick on nose ring. Urgh. Secondly, why the fuck would I do that?! Then I quickly explained to them that it was just a stick on. So they wanted me to take it off, in front of them. Jeez. "Ay..hindi pwede..kase may glue yan eh..sa CR ko pa dapat tanggalin..may glue.." And I was soo calm and relaxed as if I knew exactly what to say. Then they left.

We just bursted into laughter when they were out of sight. Jam couldn't believe how relaxed I was and I couldn't believe how he looked like he was gonna wet his pants. Then he said that he's a little like that when he's talking to a girl he likes. He's very awkward and he doesn't know what to say. As for me, I'm sort of like that too, but at least I'm not totally quiet. In fact, I can talk to everyone else, I just single him out a little. (ARGH! I dunno why I do that!). And he said that me doing that would just make it even more obvious. Man oh man. And then he said something that really made sense. He says that it's stupid how girls here in the Philippines (he basically grew up in Indonesia) don't want the guy to know they she likes him. Why would we want that, right? It's gonna be embarrassing and it's gonna be awkward and what if he doesn't like me, right right right?! And then he says that that's how it is and I'll be missing that chance of maybe he likes me too. And if he doesn't, no biggie, move on. Good point. But then again, I ask him why he can't talk to that girl. Then he says that he can't see himself with her. Man. He makes sense if wants to. His type of girl is someone he sees himself with. Naks. So he asks if I see myself with that new guy. (Hmmmm...Do I?! I'd like to think so..but I feel like we're so different.). And then he said something about the singles syndrome. Like when you see this person, in my case a girl and you're sure you're much much better looking, then you see her with a boyfriend, you tell yourself.. "HUWAT?!?! How come SHE has one and I don't?!" Haha. True true. Or like you see your crush with a girl like that.."Man..that could've been me!" Haha. So moral of the story?! I HAVE NO IDEA. CLUELESS.

It's A Beautiful Day!

Yes it is. I'm just happy. Simple as that. I wish everyday would be like this..hayyy. Going to school for my one and only MWF class isn't so bad..it's not bad at all. Haha. Plus! Today's a Monday and That's 70's Show later at 8pm. I won't forget this time. I don't think I ever will because he kept reminding me, "Ey Edel, 8pm later ah." Haha. Little things. I'm not assuming. I wouldn't want to like before because if I did and he backs out (like everyone else) then I'd be disappointed. So let's just leave it at that so everyone's happy.
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Hmm..I've perfected A Thousand Miles (Yey! easy lang pala eh!)..well it's not really that perfect but pretty soon and I my fingers won't slip..now I just have to master singing while playing. I started My Immortal but I dunno the part after that intro. I need to hear it but it's difficult to hear it when Amy Lee is singing...I end up singing along! Haha..but I'll find a way..
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Everytime I remember White Chicks, I can't help but smile. It's just so funny. It's even more hilariious when Zaza and I do the "They wanna talk about mooooother!" part. Haha. And! I know A Thousand Miles. Haha!!!
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What else? Ahh yeah my psycho dream. I dunno why I dreamt what I did since I'm happy and all. It's weird. In my dream, I wanted to commit suicide so I bought these suicide pills. I had 1 and it says in the prescription that after 24 hours, I'd die. Then sometime during the day, I realized I didn't want to die so I spent my remaining hours researching and looking for the antidote. I remember being really scared when my remaining hours were running out. I didn't wanna sleep because I might never wake up. Then after 24 hours, I didn't die. I read the prescription again then it was written there (I didn't know why I didn't see it before..but I swear it wasn't there!) that I need to take like 3 or 5 pills. Whew! Then I woke up. Man what a frikking dream!!! What could it mean?! I mean, I thought about dying and I've pictured myself dead. I've had a couple of dreams actually of me dying and everytime I wake up, I have tears in my eyes. But this one's really bizarre...I'm still trying to figure it out.
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Before Sunrise and Before Sunset..I swear..They're my two favorite movies of alllll time. Friday, I went to Marga's house to watch it with Ida, Kathy and of course Marga. I've seen Before Sunset Thursday night and I was just really high. So that night after watching and I couldn't sleep, I went online hoping I could talk to someone about it. I saw Ida and Marga online. Originally, we were to watch a movie, the whole barkada but due to our scheds, it was cancelled. Then Marga said she has the VCD for Before Sunrise, then I had the Before Sunset dibidi so we all decided to watch the 2 at Marga's. And we did. It was the best. The whole movie was just so romantic. (As much as I want to convert to being a realist...it seems like I'm a natural romantic..really runs in the family..) The setting was Europe, the perfect place for romance.

Before Sunrise was where it all began. They were both in a train to Vienna. I wouldn't want to spoil the cute details for those who haven't seen it (yeah right..as if there are other people reading this thing!). They meet and they start to talk. Its their whole conversation actually. It was so perfect. They talked about their hopes, dreams, passion, their personal lives, sex and that same day they fall in love with each other. (Argh! Ok..I'm trying to convince myself that it's a movie and it'll never happen in real life, but of course the other part of me, which I haven't fully supressed yet, is telling me to believe that it could happen, and that's exactly what I wanna happen with me! Gawwwddd..). And how could they not?! The place was so beautiful, with the fortune teller, the bum who made a kick ass poem for them. And that same night, they made love. The sad thing of course was that it was the only night they had together and they decided to leave it at that since Celine was going to Paris and Jesse had to go back to the US. But when they were in the train station, they kissed and they decided to meet each other after 6 months. It was the only thing they had from each other. No picture, no exchange of phone numbers or address, they didn't know each other's last names. All they had was the memory of that wonderful night together and the promise that they'd meet after 6 months.

Before Sunset, 9 years later and the movie was literally made 9 years after Before Sunrise. The setting this time was Paris. PARIS!!! As you watch, you go with them around the beautiful city as they talk. What I loved about this was that their conversation really was only an hour and 2o minutes long and they were really walking around the streets of Paris that long. The conversation became more natural. They were older and it was obvious in the lines of their faces that 9 years has really passed. They were different people, but with the way they talked, it's like they were never separated. Wahh. They tried to pick up from where they left off, only this time Jesse's married with a 4 year old kid, Celine had a boyfriend. And they of course, talked about what might have been. It's sad really. You could see it in their eyes the burning desire but it's not that easy given the life they have in the present. Still, they talked openly about everything and they were constantly flirting. And the whole situation was still so cute. Jesse was in Paris promoting his best seller book. A book he wrote for 3 years just to tell a story about an American guy and a French girl meeting in a train ride to Vienna. So obviously, after so many years, he still remembered every detail. Urgh..isn't that the sweetest thing ever?! (with the White Chicks accent!). I mean, it is! Jesse has immortalized that night he had with Celine. Celine on the other hand, seemed to have fully moved on. She talked about that night as if everything was fine. It's only towards the end (when they were in the car) when she bursts out her feelings and how that night still haunts her, thinking of what might have been. And of course, I'll never forget that one song Celine wrote, "The Waltz". If someone would write a frikking song or poem like that about me...wow. I dunno..I'd dissolve into molecules! Haha!

I'm like Celine in so many ways, and she's soo right when she said that she's an independent woman and she tries so hard to project to everyon that she's fine by herself which is really not true since she needs to feel loved by a man (that ain't the exact words ah). Geez.. am I like that?! Haha. Damn. Just this Saturday I was drinking with my cousins and of course, I wouldn't let that opportunity just pass by, right? Haha. I got tipsy of course when Ida texted me this friend quote. And I totally replied something really embarrassing.. I can't even put it here. Gawddd. I can't even believe I did that. Haha. Basta!!! Anyway..Celine Celine. When she talked about not being a romantic anymore and how she felt numb..hmm...that made me think... The last thing I wanna be is numb...

Snap Back to Reality

I have just came to the realization of what a mess I've done to myself. Before we left for Laoag, I updated my profile in Friendster...

I have a very contradiciting personality that I can't understand myself sometimes. (I am experimenting right now with my "steady lang" attitude). I'm loving and hating life and the people that I meet along the way. For some strange reason, I dunno why I intimidate people. (?!) I have a lot of friends (whom I choose carefully) of different characters and personalities but sometimes I like just being by myself, pondering on my existence. I like having serious conversations one on one but I can be really silly most of the times. I'm a pessimist but I still hope for the best. I strongly believe in God but I question him a lot of times. (It's been a love-hate relationship). I like the feeling of waking up really early when everyone else is asleep with the sun shining so bright..silence is a wonderful thing. I love hanging out with my close friends and getting drunk once in a while. (I enjoy the feeling of remembering what stupid things I did the day after). They say I'm a rebel, but I follow the rules. I'm a concerned Filipino citizen but I'm hating the government right now. The PINK TABLE FEDERATION (haha!) is one of the things that keep me sane--having sessions with my crazy and artistic cousins are the best: music session, corny jokes, highly philosophical talks, movie marathons. I don't know what the future holds. Years ago, I have planned my life, but then I realized that life doesn't always turn out the way we thought it would so...

See? I really don't understand myself. Man.. Haha. So for the mean time, I have a list of short term goals: 1.surfing 2.wakeboarding (and other cool watersport) 3.parasailing 4. scubadiving 5.perfect playing tennis 6.get rid of my addiction with McDo Cheeseburger Meal 7. trying (really hard) not to be a bum anymore....

It doesn't say much but one thing's clear: SABOG AKO. Damn. And I can't help but think that maybe I've been a bad influence to my younger cousins. For the past times I've been seeing them, Isay's been telling me how she wants to get her nose pierced. Well clearly, she doesn't know that there's more to my piercing than just this "astig" image I have. And then there's me shifting to Marketing, trying hard to be "the me" as Ikay calls it. I am still struggling no question, especially with my parents. They probably still think I'm lost or something, but I'm seeing the light. My being romantic is still in me. I'm just supressing it so I could open my eyes to reality. Reality is I wanna be happy and I can never be really happy knowing I disappointed my parents. I'll forever live with the guilt if I did. They still have the final laugh in one way or another. I will finish college and hopefully, I'd make up for my losses. If I really wanted to, I know I could have done a lot better. My college life has been nothing but mediocre. It's so frikking obvious with my grades. (Yeah yeah..grades aren't important but I'm just trying to make a point!) I see my friends stressed about thesis, and here I am having only 12 units this term. We'd be graduating the same year but they're gonna graduate with 2 degrees, I on the other hand, with one. No regrets, I'm telling myself. This is my life, I've made my own decisions. Shifting was the best thing I've done for myself and I feel good about that.

I desire to be happy and successfull. I want that Audi, that beach house and I want to be able to give my parents whatever they want whenever they want. I am worth a lot and I'm not willing to settle for the simple life. I want those designer clothes and a closet filled with a thousand shoes. I want people to look up to me and want to be me!!!

Now that's what I really want.

Romanticism is a wonderful thing but reality IS reality and we should deal with it. It's nice to live in fantasy world where I can be a film director and I'm just thinking that maybe it'd forever stay in dreamland and it would be better off if it did. In reality, how many of us turn out to be ballerinas or pilots? Not everyone gets to be rockstars and moviemakers. Sometime in the future, it'll hit us in the gut that we made the right decision of sticking to what's real.

In 5 months, I'll be twenty and I'd look back at the 19 years I lived and it'd be such a shame when I look back and see that I haven't done anything. Turning twenty for me is a big deal. By that time, I'd no longer be a teenager officially. It's like I can't make stupid mistakes anymore. People will be expecting me to be mature. 5 months is still a long way to go... Can I change my evil ways by then?! Maybe not. I'm human. I've just seen Before Sunset (it's soooo amazing) and Jesse said that people don't really change. We still go back to our habits. Hayy..life is difficult and it's supposed to be. But we get older, we grow and we learn how to deal with things better.

I am older, and I am better.

And in this moment I am happy!

I've been looking forward to our trip in Laoag for weeks and I was just so happy to have that needed break. I was of course also excited to spend time with my family. I've been telling Mom to book us a flight to Laoag because it was gonna be a long drive from Alabang. 12 frikking hours!!! But there was no available flight and so the road trip began...

It wasn't bad really. First stop was La Union. I've been there already but it was a long time ago. Anyway, we just stopped over there because Dad got tired already. He and Kuya Nono alternated in driving and we needed to stop anyway we've been on the road a long time. We stayed in this resort and Dad was excited to see the band who was gonna play at the bar (Mom says he's having he's 2nd childhood watching all these small-time bands whom he calls "raw talents"). After doing my Statistics homework (Unbelievable?! Believe it..I brought with me my school stuff!), we went to the bar. As expected, it was just beside the beach. I'm easily excited by the site of the sea and when I saw that there were huge waves, I was high. It was a beautiful night. I felt the cool breeze and the stars were twinkling. I was marvelous. The band was playing love songs and it made my heart ache a bit. Mom and Dad were enjoying each other's company, Kuya Nono was texting Tricia and Ate Erin..well she just had a conversation with Jan before we went to the bar. Zaza wasn't with us, but I knew that at that moment, she's probably talking to Carlo. The thought made the night even colder. I wanted to go back to our room, but the night was just too beautiful. So I stayed there and listened as the band played love songs wishing wishing wishing... (Ikay, that's when I texted you!)

Second stop was Vigan. I've never been there. All I knew was that there were really old houses there from the Spanish era. I didn't think that would interest me, but I was just amazed when I saw them. Even the McDonald's there looked like there were from the Spanishe era. After eating in Cafe Leona (the house of this Leona person...hehe!), we had a kalesa ride that toured us around the city. I'm not so good with describing things, so I'll post the pictures here soon. Hehe..

Finally, we reached Laoag. After checking in, Kuya Nono and I went straight to the beach where there were big waves. It was fun. Then all of us took the banana boat ride. It was all quality time with the family. The beach was nice. I loved feeling the fine sand in my toes. Nipa Beach Resort was a nice place though I've never felt so alienated in my own country! There were more Taiwanese than Filipinos. Well..a bunch of Taiwanese probably owns the place. Even the music was Taiwanese! Everything! It was a very nice place though.

But the best was still to come when we went to Pagudpod, "The best beach in Luzon." It was another 2 hour drive from Laoag. The roadtrip was great. Dad was doing this survey about powerplants for a project they have. He's been talking about their windmill project the whole ride when we saw a sign saying that there's a windmill somewhere. We entered the dust road (and for the first time ever, my beloved Ford Expedition sailed through it..swabe! I felt like we were in a Safari!). It was really windy (duhh..that's why they're having windmills!). Then we reached the end of the road. We were parked in the middle of this huge field with goats. We were actually standing in the edge of the Philippines, to our right was a spectacular view of the ocean (Dad said it was the China Sea). The waves were so cool. It's like the ocean was so happy to see us splashing waves in every direction. (I'll post pictures I swear!)

Then we reached Pagudpod. It was heavenly. We had the whole beach to ourselves. Brandon Boyd just captured that moment perfectly:

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am helpless
And in this moment I am happy.

I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembled a backlit canopy with holes punched in it.

I was happy. I was at peace. It was glorious, a natural high.

It's these things that make me believe in the existence of God. In the midst of all the pollution in the city, the economic crisis, bullshit happening in the world, one would still find comfort and beauty in nature.