Freedom...

I'm fragile. I'm hopeless. I'm not perfect. But I am free! - Maria Mena

It's coming around again. These bad days just keep on happening and I want it to stop. I've been feeling really happy just a few weeks ago. At least I was able to spend time with my friends during the weekend. That's always fun.

As of the moment, I'm complaining about my life like I always do. I can relate to that song pretty much. I'm free. Most of the times, I feel the good side. But during crappy times like now, I'm fragile. I'm hopless and I'm not perfect. And I'm really feeling it. Damn... I'm overeating, not going to the gym, staying up late, sleeping more than I should...man oh man. I've been trying to watch Big Fish again so at least I'd feel inspired but for some reason I can't. I borrowed The Notebook, but the copy sucks, instead I watched this "Eurotrip". A typical teenage movie about boys, girls and sex. Had a good laugh, but I'm tired of seeing movies like those.

Speaking of movies. I think I'm finally giving up my dream of being a movie-maker. Maybe it's really not for me or it's just not in the cards. People are telling me to have my life figured out and maybe this dream is better off as just a dream. As much as it pains me to let it go, I think that this is the right thing to do. I've been kidding myself for the last 3 years I guess. Maybe my parents were right all this time. Forget about passion and doing what you love. I'm never going to have that option. Nope. I'm meant to obey my parents like I always did. They're asking me to take my nose ring off. Maybe soon. Once I've had my haircut, I'll probably start another life. A life on the road to "success".

Yes. This is freedom. I'm free...

Car Trouble

I woke up with a good feeling today. My whole day is scheduled and I felt great. I went to the gym and had my sauna after. Did all that with Zaza. And that was "the life". Then we went to Town for our facial. Seemed as if nothing could go wrong. Then Ate Erin called me and said she was in a hurry to go to school. She had a meeting with her adviser at 1pm. We were finished by 1215. We were walking really fast, almost running. I even texted Ingrid, whose riding with me to be in the terminal at 1230. When we reached the parking lot, we hopped into the car. I started the engine and headed for the exit. On the way there, Zaza asked me if I have P10.00 for the parking fee. I checked out my wallet with the car running slow. I knew there was a car in front of us so I started to slow down, still looking for the P10.00. A few seconds after, I felt the car bump the car in front of us. Since we were almost going to stop when we hit it, I knew the damage wouldn't be huge. I saw the people in the car look at me so I backed it up a little with my left hand in the air saying "Sorry, Sorry!". "Pucha!" Zaza said. To my surprise, a guy got out of the car from the backseat. He checked his bumper for damages approached me. I opened my window. My heart began to beat really fast. Then he asked for my license. Fuck. I didn't have a license! So I told him that I didn't have my license with me. Then he asked for the car registration. Fuck! I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. From his accent, I was able to tell that he was Japanese. I got so nervous I didn't know what to do. He then asked the guards to call the police. About three guards approached us and I began to freak out. One guard asked for my lisence and I told him the same thing, it wasn't with me. Then he asked me if the one I'm with, Zaza has a license. Duh. So all I could so was get out of the car to see how bad the damage was. It was a white Honda and his bumper got tiny black spots which seemed to have come from my car's plate. I checked my car and no damages. Okay. I was able to breathe. Nothing serious. There were no dents in his car. But still, I was terrified. I started to explain, "Sir, I'm really sorry. I was in a hurry.." We were causing traffic already so the guards asked us to park our cars in the side of the street. I got into the car and said to myself, "Tang ina!" Zaza asked me just to give my student's permit. What the hell is she talking about?! That's not a lisence! Then I got out of the car again and we started to talk. The guards were telling me just to talk to this guy because I wouldn't want him to go to the police. I was driving without a frikking lisence!!! So I tried talking to him and he said he wouldn't go to the police. Whew! Both of us seemed to be in a hurry and so he just asked for my name and where he could reach me. He took out his palm pilot as I dictated him the details. His name is Muranaka. He's about in his 40's and from his face he looked really serious when he said he was going to call tonight. Then I turned to the driver and the guards. I asked them if they could estimate how much the repairs would cost. They were clueless. My estimate though was P3,000. Shit. I don't even have P500!!! At that moment, I knew I was dead.

I got into the car cursing and all I could hear from Zaza was "Baket di mo binigay tong permit mo! Driving without a license ka! Pwede ka makulong noh." What the fuck?! That's not what I needed to hear. Does she really want me to go to jail? What the hell was she thinking?! I tried to ignore her and checked the time. It was 1230 already. Ingrid's already in the terminal by that time. So I just asked Zaza to tell her that I'd be there at 1pm. Upon reaching the house, I changed my clothes, didn't bother eating lunch and in a minute, Ate Erin and I left the house. All these thoughts about the accident were in my head. On the way to the terminal, I told Ate Erin what happened. She was just quiet. I mean, she herself just got our car damaged. When we were in the terminal, Ingrid wasn't there. She bought lunch. Hay...lunch. I was hungry but I didn't care. I was just staring at the road thinking what the fuck I got into. Then she finally arrived. In the car, she started to offer me lunch. Cheesburger from Mcdo. Wow. I couldn't resist. She even gave my fries! So I told her I'd pay her. Turns out, she was given the wrong order. She ordered 1 Cheesburger meal and they gave her 3. She didn't have time to return it so she gave it to me. Thank goodness for that. Then for the rest of the ride to school, all I could think about was the Muranaka's car, how much the repair would cost and how mad my parents would be when they found out.

When I arrived at school, my blockmates were there and we talked about my accident. Ted, Aga and Jam as usual, is making fun at me. But they told me it would only cost about a thousand bucks and about 3 thousand max. Okay. So my estimate was right. But how the fuck am I goind to come up with that amount of money?! I tried not to think about it. I was thirsty from the heavenly fries and cheesburger I just had. But even the frikking vendo was broken. Good thing the people there told me beforehand it was or else, I lost my P20! Okay. Not really a good day, but hey, I was with people I haven't been with for the longest time so it was all good. When we went to class, that frikking class where all we do is just sit around, I felt really sleepy. Then the bell rang and it was time to go home. Thank goodness I thought to myself. Then I realized, that Japanese guy will call me!!! Holy shit. Then while waiting for my car, I told Chris, my carpool-mate what happened. Then he told me the solution is just Turtle Wax. The was the best thing I heard all day. So I started to feel better. On our way home, we just talked about getting drunk and having a carpool party. My problem is solved, I thought.

When I got home, I had my early dinner while I watch the TV. I was smiling already. I went to the den and connected to the internet. Then I checked my cellphone. Fuck. Mr. Muranaka texted saying that I have to pay him P5,000 tonight, or he'll file police report. No problem, I thought. I texted him and told him about the Turtle Wax and that filing a police report would only be troublesome for both of us. Problem solved, I thought. Then he replied that he researched on the internet that it wouldn't repair the damage I did to his car and that I'm not a child anymore and I should compensate him or else, I'd deal with it legally. Shit. I didn't have a license and I was driving and I wasn't looking at the road...I'd rot in jail! I went really nuts. Where the hell am I gonna find P5,000 tonight without telling my parents?! I talked to everyone who was online in my YM and asked for help. It was soo bad. But all of them said P5,000 was way too much for a small damage. So I asked him where I could call him. I asked for his landline number. Then I immediately texted the car experts I know, George and Steve. Then both of them said P5,000 is too much. They know some people who could repair it for only P2-3 thousand. I'd rather have that! So I was finally able to call him. I told him that my car expert friends know where to have it repaired and they even know a home service for car repair. Then he said, he only wanted Honda to repair his car. Then I said okay, then I apologized to him again. He told me he would go to my house for the money so I told him I'd just go to his house. Then it was all settled. P5,000. F-U-C-K. I stared at the computer for about a minute. I looked at my phone and started to compose a message that I'd send to my mom. Then I read his message to me again slowly..."Good pm Edel, This is Muranaka. I saw traffic accident Sep.20, and today again.." Gawwdd...Japanese are really bad in English. "..By the way, i ask mechanic of honda he said minimum of P5000 and need 5 days. During that time I cannot use car then I want to rental a car until fix, P1500 per day. Total: P5000+P1500x5days=P12,500." PUTANG INA. P12,500?! He's way over his head!!! He doesn't need to turn it over to Honda for 5 days!!! It could be done within a few hours! Is he kidding?! "..I don't want to make a police report if you can pay this amount tonight. Can you pay me it tonight?" Ohhhh God! With his bad grammar and the money he's asking me...I almost cried!!! There's no other way to solve this but to let my parents know. I checked the message I composed for my mom. I even said there I'd pay her every single centavo of that P5,000. But P12,500?! Fuck! It'd take me a lifetime! So instead of sending it to my Mom, I sent it to my Dad. Then he called me and asked me that he'd talk to him...I was on the verge of crying!!! Then he said he'd take care of it. Oh-MY-GOD. I'm dead...

Erase and Rewind!

If only I could just erase and rewind today... I saw my crush and I looked so ugly!! My hair was all over the place and my whole get up was just really bad. Plus! My shirt stinked! I was so ashamed! I was just..tongue-tied. Damn! Why do these things happen?!

Steady Lang...

Friday was Tito Ernie's birthday. Got to spend time with my cousins whom I terribly missed. Seeing them always lifts my spirit. It's really cool to see them after a long time, see how they've changed since the last time we were together. It's really funny how things change in a small period of time. Eona has filed her college applications, Jong is not as quiet as before (which is really good!), Kokoy seems to be a changed man, Ikay..hmm..she's as optimistic as ever. Basically, I just spent the night laughing really hard. Lolo and Lola's 50th Anniversary is coming up and we're all brainstorming on how to celebrate it. We all thought it would happen in Villasis. Man..that would be so chaotic. Then there would be 50 roses, 50 candles, 50 wishes, 50 treasures not to mention 50 kambings, 50 pakbets...haha!!! It was really fun. Then we planned on getting together on October 16. It will be our first time to get drunk. That's something to look forward to.

Ate Erin talked to us and gave us advice. Well that's her job, being the eldest and all. I'm glad she's concerned. Then I realized my life doesn't really have direction. Looking back to what I said, I sounded like a moron. I don't have plans and I don't have goals. I'm just not yet sure of what I want. I've disappointed not just my parents but myself as well but I really believe that I just can't plan my life so easily. There are so many things to consider and it's like what I want should be the last on the list. I feel like I have to prove something to everyone and so far, I haven't done that. My decisions aren't for the long term. How would everything turn out? I really don't know. I'm hating myself for having this "steady lang" attitude byt I can't help it. SHOW ME THE LIGHT!!!

Saturday and Sunday, I went to JEMA's SPOT. It was fun. I got to meet new people and made new friends. I made a complete fool of myself when we had the Mr. and Ms. SPOT where the girls would be the guys and the guys would be the girls. I won Mr. SPOT as Resty Tutok. It was hilarious. Then I also won the "Tuesday Award"..the people thought I was really funny...ok. I didn't really care about everyone else. I was just happy I was in the beach, though I didn't have the chance to sun bathe. I even sang in the videoke and it was sooo bad, but who cares, right? By the end of the whole thing, everyone knew me and at least they realized I'm not so much of a snob. Not so much..meaning I am still a snob. Man. I don't know why, but it's really hard for me to choose people to talk to! Why do I even have to choose? Well..I dunno. That's just me. But at least I made friends.

Maybe I'm just PMS-ing but I feel crappy today. Or it could also be because that talk with my cousins during the weekend is sinking in. I'm in my junior year in college and I'm still clueless. Man!

Sooo over it

Hayy...I dunno why but this happens all the time but for some strange reason, once I get close with my crushes, I lose interest so easily. Haha! So forget about that Marketing guy. We're friends and that's all we're ever gonna be. Not that I ever imagined we'd be something more than that..seriously though, I never did. Haha. Is this strange? Nahh..happens all the time..at least with me. Life is good!

Make Time Stand Still

Maybe I'm just super lazy but I just want to make time stop. If only there's a button I could easily press to go back in time specifically during my sem break, I would have pressed it Sunday night..and I would have hit pause Saturday night when Abby's friends came. Haha!!! But then again, that's probably the first and last time I'll ever meet him so my crush would last for only about two weeks. After two weeks of fantasizing that I met him for a reason and that he'll call me or he's like my soulmate, I'll snap back to reality and move on. Next!!!

At the beginning of this school year, I promised I would be active in JEMA. But dammit! They're so not organized. They're all rushing for the September 25 thing, planning it just Friday last week. What the hell is that?! Our president has been calling meetings but it ended up to be useless. I just hate it when these things happen. I mean, we had such a long time to prepare but they didn't do anything, didn't inform us of what the fuck to do and now, they're rushing! Arrggghhhh. I hate it!!! Can I say that again? I hate it!!! Worse, a week before that thing we're "preparing" for, they schedule a frikking leadership training! I mean..who in their right state of mind would do that?! Grrr... I don't want to go to that frikking SPOT. First of all, JEMA people are beginning to hit my nerves and I don't wanna act like I'm really glad to be there. Secondly, it'll be tiring and it's gonna be useless, just a waste of time and money. Those people are just trying to find an excuse to go to the beach. Argghh.. So now my problem is for me to find a lame excuse why I shouldn't go...grrr!!!

The Day After

This morning when I woke up, I was shocked to see myself lying on the floor with Janet. I looked around my room and Ida, Abby and Toni were also asleep. Oh yes. The "party". Haha! We got really stoned last night and my memory of it is a blur. I looked at myself and I was also suprised to see how I changed myself. I was in my swimsuit, as far as I can remember, how I changed to dry clothes...well maybe I'll never figure it out. It was cold. I decided to get out of the room. It was only 6 o'clock in the morning. What time I slept, I can't say.

I went to the TV room and just sat there for a few moments. I was trying to remember what happened last night, and it was almost impossible. The last time I can recall was when we were having tea in the kitchen. Cez and Sheilla were still here and I remember spilling some on myself. I remember it being hot, but I was so numb, I didn't feel a thing. Then that was that. I can't recall if I walked Cez and Sheilla out of the house. Then I felt a little tired and I felt like throwing up. But I just sat there. Turned on the TV to see if the US Open has started already. But it didn't. I spent a few minutes surfing and I ended up with Ed in Etc. I didn't really know what was happening. I was just staring at the TV while the story unfolds, but I didn't care. I was just there. I knew that what I was experiencing was a hang over.

I probably did sooooo many humiliating stuff last night that I don't ever want to remember, but the bad part is that they caught it on video. MAN!!! I saw the ones Ate Erin took and it's really hard to look at but at the same time it is really funny. The good thing when you're drunk is that you can't really control yourself from doing or saying things. Everything just seems to come out naturally. The bad thing is that after that, you worry what stupid things you did and said. Goodness..my mind's not totally functioning yet!

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

The clock's definitely tick-tocking its way. It's two minutes from Thursday and by Monday, I'll be back in school again. I'm not sure if I should be excited or not. I'm enjoying my two weeks off. It's all good. Though it has become a routine of me going to the gym, playing tennis, watching Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens, Sarah the Teen Princess and That's So Raven, then Will and Grace then US Open til I drop, it's fun to have days like these. Going back to school after this break will be quite difficult for me. Tick tock...

Time's running out and soon I'll be twenty. Goodness. Twenty! I won't be a teenager anymore! Is that a good thing? When I was younger, I can't wait for me to hit sweet sixteen and I don't even know why. I guess before I thought sixteen year olds are very cool and free, they can do anything they want and have the time of their lives. So I'm hitting twenty and I really didn't feel that. I'm turning twenty and I haven't really done anything with my life! Some people my age already have had at least two boyfriends althought not necessarily fallen in love yet, some are earning money, travelled the world and know what they want in life. But me? Oh no..not really. Tick tock...

Tick tock and I can't wait til Saturday. I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. A few hours ago, I thought I was the only one who cared about this but Ida called filled with excitement. The plan is just to get everyone know everyone else (since I told my hihg school friends to bring their friends from college) get them drunk and simply have a good time. A party before I go back to school. Thing is, it's about 48 hours before that day and I dunno where to get money for food and drinks. I've already told myself so many times not to plan everything since something always happens along the way. So what's gonna happen? Tick tock...

Upsize Me!

I just love McDonald's Cheeseburger. For some reason, I can't last a week without having one. I don't care what others are saying about McDonald's, there's just something about that burger! So..upsize me!!! Man...maybe all my hardwork in the gym will all go to waste if I continue this. Hehe...

Kathy asked me if I wanna know if I'm hot. I've never really thought of myself as hot..especially with my flabby abs. But that's just me, right? So I said yes. And then she asked me to go to this site where you'd post your picture and then people will rate you. For the past 15 minutes, I've probably rated about a hundred people. I'm just waiting for her picture to appear so I could rate her. I know I said I wanna know if I'm hot or not, but posting my picture in the internet for millions of people to see AND rate, no thanks. It's just not me and besides, I don't want people rating me based on my looks. I'm vain, I know but not to that extent. Who knows? If I'd get below 7, I'd probably be depressed. No thanks. I know it's year 2004, but that's just too much for me I guess. I still don't get that online dating thing, and I don't think I ever will. Maybe I'm still old fashioned in that aspect. That explains why I enjoyed The Notebook so much.

Ahh! I love The Notebook!!! I wanna see it again! First of all, I've read the story (or did I? I'm not sure!) and it's just amazing. That's true love. It's kind of like 50 First Dates, but this one's serious and it seems so real. That kind of story just wanna make you fall in love. And by the way, being the frikking romantic that I am, I do feel like I wanna fall in love after watching the movie. It's one of those movies that I want my kids to see when I become a mother and it's the kind of movie I want to see even when I'm really really really old. The setting's perfect, way back in the 40's. That's really old fashioned romance, plus it was a summer fling kind of thing only it wasn't a fling. It really was love. Hayy. And ohmygod the sceneries! The lake with the ducks, group of birds flying in perfect formation with a man rowing a boat during sunset. Took my breath away. Oh and how can I forget the guy who played Noah, Ryan Gosling. He's just soo handsome and sexy. Sure, he has the long face but he looked so good and his body was just right--not too big but not too thin. The movie was filled with sweet nothings, passionate kissing scenes..hayy. Too put it simply, I want my love story to be like that. I mean, forget about the tragic part of Allie getting sick, but if I do get that kind of sickness, I want my man to be like Noah. Hayyy..

So here I go again, fantasizing about a love story that I wish I would have. But I can't help it!!! It's just me! I wanna watch it again. I'd watch it 3 times, I won't even get tired of it. Hayy...

Oh Life!

Zaza's hair show was just 2 nights ago. It went okay. Good for her. That's what she's been dreaming of doing (like the rest of her batchmates), so it's nice to see her walk the walk. I'm a proud sister. But I just hated Mommy that night. She absolutely ticked me off. Argh. As if it wasn't enough that I was gonna take pictures! I understand she's super excited to see her daughter model her hair, but heller! She didn't have to g backstage before the show just to see her. That's just how it works. In theater, before the show starts, the actors should remain in the backstage and it's the same for that. It was just embarrassing and really annoying. I'm 19 and I'm pretty sure I know how to work the digicam. These things happen when I'm with Mom. When I'm with Dad, these things don't happen. He'd never ask me to wave like a total idiot just to get Tito Ernie's attention. Good thing Tricia and Kuya Nono came. I would have gone nuts if they didn't come. Mom for sure would have asked me to go right in the middle of that crowd and disturb everyone just to take pictures. With Tricia there, making side comments became more fun. There were 2 of us, mean girls having fun. Hehe.. Cutting the hair of the WRONG face was just hilarious.

All in all though, that day wasn't bad because I spent a few hours with Mama. Walking around the mall with her by my side was fun. It was a good bonding session. A few days ago I visited Mama's sister, Tita Dely. She's literally lying on her deathbed. I sound very rude, I know saying she's on her deathbed, but I'm just being a realist. It's been a surprise for her to even reach this stage and I'm very proud of her. She's been fighting the battle with cancer and it's one of those battles that's just hard to win and she's losing the fight. With this, I'm very grateful that my two sets or grandparents are very healthy and to be able to spend time with them is really a blessing.

Visiting Tita Dely was tough. I didn't know what to say to her. She's a very fun and bubbly Lola. She can turn the most boring situation to fun. She'd always make jokes and she'd take out her false teeth to scare us. During Christmas reunions, she'd always be the one dancing. And that day, she said she'll terribly miss those reunions. She had that look in her eyes like her she's seeing "the light" and it was just scary. She knows she's going really soon but she doesn't want to just yet. She wants to wait for her grandson to come back home from abroad before she goes but that's not until December. September has just begun and December's still a very long way to go.

All of us are going to experience death and in our lifetime, we're also gonna go through the pain of losing someone. I guess I'm very fortunate that I haven't experienced losing someone close to me. But sooner or later, I will. I do not want to ever go through that but it's just part of life. That's why the gods envy us, right? We're mortals. It gives purpose to our existence. That's why we should live life to the fullest. It's why people thirst for success, fame and fortune or why people try all sorts of things. That's why I'm not ready to die yet. I have yet to get myself a tattoo, make a film, bungee jump, fall in love, surf, wakeboard, scuba dive, watch Wimbledon in London, Roland Garros in Paris, US Open in New York and Australian Open in Melbourne, tour the world, have something named after me, be seen on TV, and the list could just go on...

Life is beautiful but sometimes it is a bitch. Doesn't matter does it? At the end of the day, it will all come down to you on how you want it to be.

What's Another Day?

One term has passed and here I am, enjoying my two weeks off from school..or am I? I watched About A Boy last night and the replay this morning and I feel a little bit like Hugh Grant's character there. I'm such a bum! My day is filled with things to do but it has become a routine. Eat breakfast: 1 unit. Watch the TV: 3 units. Surf the net: 3 units..blah blah. And if I'm lucky and there's a car here, I'll go to the gym or play tennis, which makes about 3 units too. Like he said, his day is filled with things to do, only that it didn't mean anything. And I'm getting "melodramatic" (a term they used in the movie so frequently).

Unfortunately for today, I can't play tennis since Ate Erin took the car and went to look for "work". Oh yeah..work. Dad's been trying to get her ass out of the house. Well. Ate Erin's ass is usually out of the house. In school (?), with her boyfriend somewhere in Metro Manila. I dunno where the hell they go. So while waiting for her to arrive, I'm here patiently chatting with Sugar via YM about movies, cars, whatever while listening to my mp3's. Wow. So this is a day with me. Fun fun fun.

I woke up late today. Usually, I wake up at 8am but today I woke up with the realization that the clock's hour hand is pointing at 10. It's almost 3pm and I have yet to take a bath. My day isn't really bad, but it's not good either. Hayyy... Oh yeah.. I remember. There's still half a bottle of tequilla, full bottle of lambanog and gin left from Kuya's party. Good idea. Okay. I'll just take a bath and get to it. I'll just look for the magic mic and I'm ready to go. Riiggghhhttt. Goodness, the TV has practically turned me into an idiot.

What to do..what to do. I've slept too much already. Eating won't be good. I've done too much eathing and I'm trying to lose my frikking flabs! Enter a chatroom and meet strangers and talk with them about my life? Gawwddd..IRC is sooooo high school. Answer surveys in Friendster? Urgh. I've done enough of that. Get out of the house and go to Town? There's no car!!! I hate commuting and I don't have money. DVD marathon. Not a bad idea. I have lotsa choices: Sex and the City, Meteor Garden (eww..soo over them!), West Wing, Endless Love (huwat?!), The Sopranos.. I'll tire myself just choosing which one to watch. Flood myself with romantic comedies. Oh gawwddd. Not again. I'll just scare myself. Watch Ring 0 or something...

What's another day? Tomorrow, I'm afraid could be a lot like today. But it's a Saturday. I'll go to the gym like I always do. And after that, wait for the day to end and hope that Dad's in the mood to watch a movie. So this is sembreak. Yippee.