March 27, 2005 11:43pm

Happy Easter! The Riveras came over today. We had our first Easter Egg Hunt and we also went to The Picture Company. Really cool. Zaza cooked a really good meal for everyone and since I’m not much help in the kitchen, I served the adults their lunches. I did a pretty good job.

After lunch, everyone stayed in the dining table and just talked about stuff. Topic was Euthanasia. It’s now a really big issue in the US because there’s this woman who has been in the tube for 15 years and her husband wants to pull the plug already. He brought the thing to court and the decision was to indeed pull the plug. However, the parents of this woman protest because they say she’s still alive and could still respond to them. They’re saying that it’s their right on deciding whether or not to pull the plug since they’re the parents. Of course, other personal issues surfaced that the husband were only after the insurance money. But I thought about this issue for some time now. I’ve been seeing it on the news. I’m actually torn. I dunno what to think because prolonging the life of that person is just a waste of money and personally, I think of life as something to be lived to the fullest and staying in a bed where you can’t even communicate with the people around for the rest of your life ain’t living at all. It’s more like torture. I mean, being alive and breathing with your heart pumping blood is different from living. But! Since the people who visit her said that she smiles when she sees them and stuff. That made me stop and really think about it. But since according to Tito Mulong and Tita Joy, those aren’t responses, but reflexes made it all clear. Pull the plug! But then again, it’s a lot easier to talk about it. But if something like that happens to me…you know what to do.

Then as expected, we talked about the thing in Dependable. It actually just started with us three: Tita Joy, Tita Chona and moi. Everyone knows how I love gossiping. I admit that. But we weren’t gossiping. We were simply talking about what happened and we were just exchanging our thoughts and feelings about the matter. We’re all hurt by what happened. I’m mostly mad and Tita Chona feels the same way. Tita Joy on the other hand is torn since we’ve considered them family and letting them go to jail would be really painful. She’s worried about the family. But we’re all just having a hard time accepting what happened. But of course, in this family where everyone loves to talk about things like this, everyone had to have a say. The only thing left to do was to have a family meeting. We all gathered outside by the pool and while the little kids were swimming, the adults started the discussion. We all agreed that the law should be upheld. I agree completely with her going to jail and paying the consequences of her actions. I quote Alicia Keys in this one: What goes around comes around, what comes up must come down. Kapamilya or not, she has to face the consequences. It’s obviously very painful for us to do this, but what needs to be done has to be done. Mama, of course can’t help but be balimbing. She’s caught up in the middle of this. But she still agrees with everyone.

Papa got drunk from drinking red wine and Asti. He basically spent the rest of the afternoon jabbering about God knows what. But he’s cool. He gave me 1k today for my services, and promised me to give me because he hasn’t given me anything yet for my birthday. Haha!

After hearing the 7:30pm mass, we headed for Congo Grill. We still talked about the Dependable issue and Dad kept being who he is, saying how it’s the management’s fault, bleh. I think it’s only tonight he understood how difficult it is to run a family business. The four of us kept asking questions about everything, having our own inputs. (Ahhh…the wonders of having family dinners.). We’ve talked about so many things. Then a revelation that really shocked me, I guess us 4. (Damn…humans are really intriguing, huh. Man, it sucks I wasn’t able to take up Psychology!). I wouldn’t have imagined that. But it made me realize that my whining about how my life sucks seemed so frikking shallow.

My favorite movie of all time is *drum roll* Meet Joe Black. A-duh! And Bill’s long lecture to Susan sums it all up. There’s this line: To make the journey and not fall deeply in love is not having lived life at all. Sure man, you all know I’m a romantic, but I seriously believe in this (that’s why I can’t wait to fall head over heels!). But life’s tough. I guess that’s a privilege not everyone gets to experience? Or maybe people have gone totally in sane about money. People marry not because of love, but because that person could give them financial stability. Marriage falls apart. Parents turn to their own world, almost forgetting about their kids. And it really sucks that kids get to be victims of this harsh reality that they have no control over. A young boy get traumatized and most of the time, they don’t recover. It's really sad. So he turn to drugs at such a young age trying to forget. But they grow up and it continues to haunt him. He starts their own family, but can't really be a good father or husband. So he turns to the only solution he can think of. Goes in and out of rehab but it's already hopeless. I don't think he deserves to know the current problem or else...ayayayayay!But isn’t it important to understand that the mother could have changed all that by being a good mother but she didn't do that. She was selfish and proud. Damn. I really don't know what to think. I mean...growing up in a poor family isn't her fault either. To look for financial support than love could have been her life goal. However, giving up is not an option, especially for a mother, I think. Being a bad parent is a mortal sin, personally. Family is where everything starts man! Oh criminy. Life's sooo complicated.

Knowing the harsh realities of life makes me appreciate everything and everyone I have. I'm truly blessed and all my whining, feeling like having my cellphone being stolen is the biggest crisis in the world seems so frikking shallow. I feel so guilty thinking about myself all the time. Criminy! I've no right to complain.

This Holy Week's been a good one, I must say.

Get over it damn it!

As much as I want to get over my frikking phone..I still can't. DAMN IT! My parents know them now, finally. Had to lie about one tiny detail. Didn't leave it in a table. It was in my bag. But who cares..man! It's still all because of my fucking carelessness. However! Which is worse? Being careless or stealing?! Jeez man... I'll never be over this.

Holy week.. First time my family's spending it at home...meaning we're not in a beach somewhere. As Father Jerry Orbos calls it, we're "artista's" this time. This year, we're pretending to be devout Catholics, going to mass, remembering really the essence of Holy Week. We used to be the "bakasyonista's". Of course, I prefer to be the bakasyonista. That's who we are! Being artista's suck. We're just here at home, bumming around, doing nothing really productive. I mean, we don't even pray or whatver. I've told myself I'll jog every morning this week, but heller!!! I've no alam to wake me up in the morning..and alas, everything goes back to the frikking cellphone. Argh!!!

We went to Father Jerry's recollection (?) last night in Saint James. Same old Ilocano jokes..nothing really new. Plus, Dad gave him our cakes! Ohhh the cakes. Man... I wanted those cakes from Conti's!

I told God I needed a miracle. I'm in desperate for a miracle. Yesterday, we couldn't connect to the internet. I actually thought I won't be having any contact whatsoever from the outside world. I mean check this: I don't have my cellphone, our phones are all under repair, and the internet's not working. Well surprise. The internet does work. Woohoo! I'm the only one who is aware of this. I was just playing PopCap Games when I tried it out then tada! I'm soo happy. But it's frikking 1030pm. There's no one really online. Can't talk to anyone. Arghhh.. So is this the miracle I've been asking. Nope. I don't think our DSL's been disonnected. I just fixed it. Haha! I removed the dial up and everything's okay. It sometimes disconnects though..but I'd say it's pretty fine. So what miracle am I asking for? For that thief to realize that what he/she did is wrong and return my phone!!! Now, that's a miracle. And that other thing...

What have I been doing this Holy Week? Hmm... Meet Joe Black has been shown in Star Movies twice already since yesterday. Actually, according to my parents, they saw it the day before that so this morning was the 3rd time already this week. Just finished reading The Virgin Suicides. It's interesting. I just didn't like the fact that it had a lot of side stories. I can't wait to see the movie. And it's another day tomorrow. It's starting to get really hot though...really hot.

Oh yeah..I've been glued to the TV.. I've been wanting to sing so I've spent most of my TV time singing along in Myx. Hehe. I really watched Backtrax so I'd know more of those corny songs. Bryan Adams, Atlantic Starr, Richard Marx..those sappy love songs..hehe..I love it.
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Drama Queen. Haha! Kuya Nono and Zaza was making fun of me last night during our so-called "recollection." They say, I turn into the drama queen when I want something from my parents like the cellphone I just lost. Yeah ok, I admit, I wanted that phone but I told them already about it days before. Even weeks before that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday..just the phone. Besides, I'll be a Royal Slave for the rest of the summer..well I am now..and it'll probably last for the whole year. What's bad is now, I'm working for nothing. DAMN IT! The dinner out with my barkada was just that. It wasn't my birthday dinner or anything.

Kuya Nono is actually making a big deal out of it. I wouldn't care what he wants to do on his birthday. Ask them to buy you a car, for all I care. But that's not likely to happen because you're already working. So treat the whole family for dinner, except me, I wouldn't complain. ;P

So why the big fuss? Hhhhmmmm... I have my ways of getting what I want. Which is really cool..doesn't always work..but we all have our ways of getting what we want. For my brother actually..he doesn't really have to work his ass off that much. He usually gets what he wants. And I'm not just saying this. I dunno being the only son? The first grandson? I dunno. His charisma? I really dunno...so stop complaining ayt! And before anyone says anything..I'm not feeling any middle child syndrome regarding this matter. We're all equal when it comes to getting what we want. Haha!! Am I even making sense?

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Is anyone kind enough to let me borrow his/her phone temporarily??? Puh-lease.. =)

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Thougts coming out and it's not organized.. what else should I be putting here? Oh yeah. My prayer notebook. It's cool I love it. It's like another journal but it's more personal and I don't whine there. I just place there the things I should be thankful for and my doubts in God or whatevs. Wow. I'm having a deeper relationship with God, huh? Really cool... so aryt.. I dunno what else..next time!

Realizations...

I've spent the whole day yesterday thinking thinking thinking. I even watched A Walk To Remember on HBO hoping I'd cry again to let everything out. My eyes have dried up and there's no more tears left to shed. So here are some of my insights of what just happened. As usual, given that it's coming from me they're philosophical and deep. Oh criminy, who am I kidding, they could just be down right stupid and senseless..nevertheless it's from the bottom of my heart.

1. The world is surrounded by evil people. People are such complex individuals. That's why I wanted to study Psychology. I know it's impossible for humans to understand themselves completely, but at least I would have had a glimpse of the answers why people behave the way they do. Kleptomaniacs? Criminy. People are making up excuses for their wrong behaviors...and people find it acceptable! That's how evil people have become.

2. God's constantly playing tricks on us. Power-tripping, probably. Right when you feel like everything's cool and you have everything going for you, God pulls a surprise for you. Tada! It's like, you can never have everything you wish for. Just when you thought you're in Cloud 9, He pulls you back to the ground, back to the painful reality. Take my family for example. This whole situation with Dependable. Start of this year was great. The new office has just been renovated and everything seems to be moving as planned. Then He decides to pull this stunt. We're all shocked to find out about and it's tearing the family apart. I mean, what the fuck is that? I know He gave us free will and all that, but somehow, I'm thinking He planned all this to happen.

3. Everything happens for a reason. This is so cliche, isn't it? But I'm thinking yeah... Like when our house turned to ashes. We moved to a better location, grew stronger as family..yaddi yadda. I can't even imagine how my life would be right now if we're still in Valenzuela. I love that house, but it's a lot better that we're here. Hmmm...so what's gonna happen to me now? Aside from being dead, I dunno. Should I be a social worker now or something? Will my parents still trust me? I know I should be responsible for all the things I do and I will be responsible for this one. I'd still be paying the rest of the balance. My head's been bumped really hard this time. The reason, the reason.. I dunno just yet. I guess I'll have to wait. I'll eventually get through this. It's not one of those things that'll make you laugh when you look back at it. Things happen for a reason and hopefully there are lessons learned.

4. I now believe in Karma. I never believed in Karma before...or I didn't want to believe in Karma since I've been doing a lot of stupid things and I swear it'll never catch up on me. This could be my Karma. I dunno exactly what I did in the past to deserve this. It's really more of a selfish reason, why I believe in Karma. I'm hoping those thieves will get what they deserve. They go to jail, they die a very painful death, they be abandoned by all their loved ones. (And aha! I've proven my first realization.. people really are evil..these are evil thoughts!). I'm also hoping that maybe, I'll get something better soon. Argh. I hate myself. But the fuck am I saying? I'm back where I started. Jeez. I'm trying to brush the thought aside, but it keeps coming back! What a pyscho.

5. Shit happens..again and again. The story of my life. Shit does happen. And it happens all the time. No one escapes shit. Imagine walking down a street. The sun is shining oh so brightly. Not a cloud in sight. While walking, you're listening to your newly bought iPod. Singing, singing your lungs out. You don't care what people would think. You're having the time of your life. You close your eyes, as you continue your walk. Then you step on something. You open your eyes...SHIT! You try walking it off. Your foot stinks. People that pass you by give you"the stare". You start spreading the shit with every step. You try taking out by scratching your shoe in the gutter. You succeed. The smell is still there. Then you realize, it'll eventually come off. You walk it off. People don't stare as much anymore. You put your iPod back on, sing along. You don't close your eyes. You watch out for shit that could be on the way, but there's none. The smell's gone. Then you think to yourself, it couldn't possibly happen again so whatthefuck..you close your eyes..then as you begin to glide...SHIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Thieves...

I dunno why this keeps happening to me. I know it's partly my fault. But do I deserve this? Gawwwdddd. Maybe? Then, why do I deserve this? For being distracted for a minute? I don't understand. We're just surrounded by theives.

I just placed it on the table unconsciously. In my mind, I had to take over the stage and do my hosting job. That table was only about 5 feet away from me. And it took me only about a minute to introduce the next performer. Then the next thing I know, my phone was gone. My beloved phone.. My 2-weeks old Motorola Razr V3...was stolen. Just like that. All because of my carelessness. It's almost exactly how I lost my phone last time. I was waiting for a friend's message but I had to do something and I didn't want anything on my hand..placed it on a table unconsciously..then *poof!* I wasn't even showing it off!

Why do people steal? They're pure evil, they're envious, they're kleptomaniacs, they want something they can't have..oh my gawwddd..

Yes. It's partly my fault. It's just really ironic. My Dad together with Zaza and I were just discussing what happened in Dependable two nights ago. It was a two-way thing. One would never steal if you didn't give her the opportunity. But I didn't mean it!! Oh God knows I didn't mean to leave it there for a minute! Things just happened so fast. I was overwhelmed and shocked. But still, which is worse? Everyone knows it's wrong to steal. Don't they have consciences? Taking something away from a person? Arggghhh.. I'm just starting to see the good in everyone then all this happen.

I HATE thieves and I'm so ashamed to even be related to some of them.

What's happening?! I've gone MAD!

Criminy...I just realized..I can't party every day. Damn. So here I am biting my tongue once again. Hehe. It's just tiring and my lungs..oh my lungs.. HAYYYY!!! It's nice today that I'm home before dinner. And tomorrow's another day.
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Tomorrow's another day. Criminy. The officers of my org really really suck. They're all lousy. It seems like they're not doing anything. They're all just posers. Posing as leaders of what used to be the biggest org in La Salle. Jeez. Green Evolution should be this huge event, with dozens of sponsors, a fashion show and bands. BANDS!!! I mean, there's a lot of really cool bands out there, and they got only one. One frikking band whom I don't even know. WHAT IS THAT?! And the sponsors? No greater than 5. Argh!! And it should be frikking hosted by a frikking professional! But who is hosting? MOI. Fuck that. I only found out yesterday. They weren't even planning on telling me. Fuck that again. If I didn't call Mr. Next JEMA President of my beloved org, I'd probably won't know until now. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. Oh and yeah..the tickets! The fucking tickets! Friday last week, in Yuchengco while I was patiently waiting for the driver to pick me up, these two guys one of which is Mr. Next JEMA President, came to me. They were just gonna greet me and ask me why I'm alone then that other guy asked me,

"Uy may kilala kang printing press?"
"Nge! Ako! Printing press ako!"
"Ahhh ganon ba? Tara, akyat tayo sa Marketing department..may papagawa kame."

While walking to the Marketing Dept, they were telling me that they needed it by Sunday, meaning they're giving me 2 days to finish it. I told them it was gonna be expensive. But they didn't have any other choice since I'm their only option. I entered the room, and I saw this other guy designing the ticket. HUWAT?! They weren't done designing the frikking ticket yet! And it still has to be approved by Ms. Zamora. So I called my mom, asked her if we can finish it by Sunday. Then I check my watch. It's already 5pm. Operating hours are over. And Papa happened to have announced that they won't be working the following day, so we can't do it. I just told them that they had to print it out from the computer, and I told them, I could do it. They were just so happy that I could do it. And they started to hit on me. Ohhh gawwwddd... *PUKE* (FYI: pronounced as pyuk). So Saturday came, I printed it cut it myself and tada! Sure, my back hurt and my arms were tired, but it was done. Sunday came, they told me they're picking it up in my house but they didn't. They asked me if I could just bring it to the current JEMA president's house...he's my neighbor. As if I had a fucking choice. I called him first. No answer. Texted him about 10 times, no reply. Since I came home late and I did some other stuff, I was able to go to his house, 11pm. Rang the doorbell, no answer. Rang his phone, still no answer. So finally I just went home and texted him to pick it up the next morning.

Monday, they had the tickets approved. Tuesday, saw Mr. Next JEMA President in McDo when my groupmates and I were entering the car to Dish. Didn't say anything about it. Wednesday: Saw that other guy who asked me if I knew a printing press. Didn't say anything too. I even had to remind him that they owe me 5k. Then while sitting in Yuchengco. this girl approached me and asked me if I could come on the event. I told her I'm not sure since it's my brother's graduation dinner, but I'll try. It was weird. She wanted to ask me something else, but she didn't. I texted Mr. Next JEMA President because I realized, they weren't selling tickets yet. Then he told me bullshit stuff. So okay. I put the thing to rest. Then while I was waiting yesterday, he called me and told me how I could get the tickets that I should sell. Then as if it wasn't that important, he said

"Uy ikaw ang host ah."
"AKO?!"
"Oo, sino pa ba? Edi ikaw."
"Ehh hindi ako sure kung punta ako kase graduation ng brother ko."
"Ahh..."
*awkward silence* It was like he was waiting for me to say something...
"Pero try ko...sige I'll let you know agad."

I knew it was coming. I knew that girl was gonna ask me to host the fucking event. And, there. I'm running for a position, so I'm torn. I have to show them that I'm dedicated and all that jazz. So there. I'm hosting the frikking event that no one would really be going. ARGH!!! If I don't get the fucking position I'm running for, they'll be frikking sorry. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! But I'm still really mad..
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Another thing to be really mad about. Hmmm... my relatives. What the fuck are they thinking?! I call them hypocrites. They're accusing Tita * of stealing their money with that insurance shit. Backstabbing her, laughing at her, calling her names. And there they're stealing from MY FAMILY's money?! For crying out loud! Papa gave them sooo much: offered them a job, helped them when they were in need, supported them not just financially. We gave them our full trust. And to think, they've been stealing for 7 fucking years! So just imagine just how much money they got. 1M? Not even close. To hell with them! I call them thieves and I'm not afraid to call them that. They're deceitful and evil. All for what? For a new cellphone model every month? A digicam? Branded clothes? Jewelry? Educational plans of their kids? Medical insurance? FUCK FUCK FUCK ALL OF THAT. Arrogant bitches. I mean, if they needed money, Papa or even my mom, would have given them options. But no. They didn't want to admit to the whole world they were in need..so they stole. I would understand Tita * going to Mom, asking for money. Nothing's wrong with that. She promises to pay. And for me, whether or not she pays the whole amount, at least she's honest and there's effort there, that she's going to pay. And you know, she's doing that because she really needs it. Not because she wants to have the latest camera phone.

At ang kapal ng mukha nilang sabihing kay Mama na hindi niya sila kinakausap o pinapansin. ANO NAMANG GUSTO NILA? SI MAMA PA ANG LUMAPIT?! KAPAL NG MUKHA! Buti nga at nakaramdam sila ng hiya kay Ate Erin. Mahiya sila dahil talagang nakakahiya ang ginawa nila at mga hipokrito sila.

The Lisence to Party!

I love my course. Lately, I've been staying late in school. I've been going home at 10-11pm. We're doing this research on rock cafes regarding consumer behavior. So I've been going to these places across Metro Manila, meeting marketing managers, creating contacts and I get to watch free shows! Haha. COOLNESS. I love Marketing!

So now, I'm in still in school with Madel's laptop killing time. It's fun. Yesterday, stayed and waited for 5 hours with my groupmate Dax. Saw my long lost blockmate, Pugo and bonded for about 3 hours. There was this nasty girl who was showing off her frikking thongs..and she's not even pretty. Argh. Then saw my Marketing peeps. Haha. "Marketing Peeps!" We played PANTS. Hehe. I love it. I'm soo excited playing PANTS that I even wrote down all the animals per letter during my QUATECH, asking my seatmates to help me. Hehe. B.I...

Then my seatmate in FINAMA2 just revealed to me that she's head over heels with the guy I'm crushing on. Really hilarious.. We feel the same thing: he's probably just nice to everyone. But it's all good. We've become good friends..but I have an advantage. HAHA!

Hayyy...my hair's a mess. Lakas ng hangin dito sa Yuchengco!

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Yes. That's life. Didn't get to be in the AMA ad..man! Needed that 5k badly. But I'm shocked myself. I didn't feel bad I didn't get it. I was genuinely happy Zaza and my brother did. I just hope they give me my balato!!! C'mon people! I need money! SHOW ME THE MONEY! Haha!!


I must say..it was a blessing in disguise? I'm happy today! I'm just happy today! Ang buhay ay isang gulong. Minsan nasa taas, minsan nasa baba. Siguro nga'y nasa taas ako ngayon..sana traffic at hindi muna umandar ang gulong.

You win some, you lose some. Today, I won.

Out of the Blue..

It's a good day today! I've been having good days...great! I have my Razr V3! Woohoo! I love it. It's so sleek and thin...it's a fashion phone. Totally... I'm having money trouble though. There's a lotta things I wanna buy!!! Damn. How do I get rid of this attitude? I always want something. Argh...

WOULD IT BE ACCEPTABLE FOR GUYS TO WEAR MAKE-UP?

Hmm... I've been thinking. People now are so vain: men and women alike. Metrosexuals are now acceptable...and no, they're NOT gay. This is a good thing. I mean, men actually care of how they look like. It's nice to know that some men are now putting that much effort to look good. They now put on lip balms, gel. Guys now have their own kits they bring with them. I'm just wondering, in the future, will it also be acceptable that guys put on make up? And I'm not just talking about lip balms. Imagine lip gloss, blush, powder, eye liners, eye shadows..the works! (Goths who actually put these things on their faces aren't included..I'm talking the average Joe's...your boyfriend, brother..whoever). Hehe! I'm just curious. I think there's a huge possibility. But what would they call their kikay kits? Silly thoughts...

WOULD YOU RATHER BE MAPANGET OR MABAHO?

When we were in Galera, this girl asked this question. Laugh trip. First of all, what's with the word, "mapanget?" Damn. Isn't that supposed to be "panget" only? It's so frikking coniotic. Gawwddd..even the whole question is coniotic. But to make it clear, before you think about it, we're talking extremes here. Mapanget meaning you're the ugliest thing there is. You're uglier than the ugliest person you know. From my brother's description if it were me, I'd be the girl version of Max Alvarado. Mabaho meaning you really stink. Being with you would be like smelling shit all day and that even if you're in India, you still stink.

One answer I found really hilarious is: "Mabaho na lang. Pupunta ako sa isang tribe na lahat kame mababaho." Hehe! Interesting answer. But still, going to a tribe ain't an option.

My answer? I'd rather be frikking mapanget. I mean, if I'm mapanget, I could still gain friends by doing good deeds. If a person is mabaho, no matter how kind that person is, no one would still want to be around her. I mean, hanging out with someone who has BO alone..it's hard! Sitting next to a frikking Jap in a 45-minute ferry ride almost killed me. I swear. A few more minutes would have really killed me.

So there you go. My thoughts...my useless thoughts.
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Hmmm... Oh yeah! I saw One Tree Hill (2nd season)...there's this episode when the students made a time capsule..which will be opened after 50 years. Instead of a letter, it was a video of themselves. They said basically how things are right now. It's cool because they would get to watch themselves when they're in their 60's or 70's. I wanna make one!! But it's gonna be corny if it's just me. I want to capture everyone I know for the year 2005. Interesting!!! Oohh...I really wanna do that... And I promise I'd keep it. I wanna open it say...5 years after. 50 years is an awfully long time! Omg..this is exciting... Who wants to make a time capsule? I won't know what you'd say in there...I'll find a way to make that possible..

Walking Contradiction, Indeed.

I am able to prove once again, that I contradict myself. But everytime I do, I mean it. Haayyyy... Just wanna get that out.
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Comments! May golay, may comments pala! I'm such a moron. I only realized that people have left comments on my entries. Haha. I had to check all my previous entries.. Jeez. But I appreciate the comments, people. Walking contradiction...hayyy!!!
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I dunno why I still have bangungots, a.k.a "OBE's". Damn. I've prayed that night, but there I was 6 am, experiencing another bangungot. I was shaking but I can't move..argh. I hate it!

Oh yeah. My dream test results: I seek for SECURITY AND CONTROL.

Hmmm.... Control, that's true. I've removed my nose ring for good. I'm done with all that. (Another contradiction: I remember saying I'll wear it 'til I'm a Lola..). The reason I had it in the first place was because I wanted to show the world that I can do anything, but turns out, not quite. But I'd like to think NOT YET. I'll gain that control soon. (NAKS!)

Security? Maybe..
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My Dad agreed to buy me the Motorola Razr V3. Woohoo! There's a catch of course. I have to pay him the excess and I've already thought of how. It's alll written in the white board in my room. It'll take a while but it's all worth it. Wow. I'm beginning to be techy! I swear, I've had all my other techy buys lined up.
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Marga asked me if I want to appear in an AMA ad. Huwat? AMA? Gawwdd... but the chosen ones will be given 5k. OK! Haha! I'm in desperate need for money for that V3. I'd do just about anything for money. Besides, she said no uniforms, no close up shots and it'll appear in the newspaper. Not a lot of people I know reads newspapers regularly..hehehe!!! So I hope I get chosen!

The Things I Do For...

The good news is, I've realized that I should face the music, so now... I am. I am 20. Woohoo!!! I spent my whole birthday thinking and I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do but to accept. This is life. The ups and downs of my life..or rather my emotional roller coaster. Haha. I'm such a drama queen. Maybe it's just that I have too much idle time that I begin to think about stuff..

The things I do for temporary happiness. My Kuya's really upset about the shrooms. The truth is, I didn't do it because I have problems. C'mon. I'm not like that. About my friends, I get frustrated most of the time but it's all good. College life is hectic and I completely understand. Studies first. That's all our priorities. About my phone...I'm so over it. Right now, I'm just itching to have that frikking phone. Blame it to the TV that keeps on showing the frikking commercial. You know how I am when I want something really bad. I just have to have it. But of course, I don't get everything I want. I admit, I'm a brat. And that's actually one of my realizations so.. I'll try to get it out of my system. Ohh.. I'm getting fat. Actually..I'm comfortable with my body now. I still have to achieve my flab-free abs but I'm comfortable. So if he thinks I took those shrooms because I'm miserable. I am sorry. EEEE!!! Wrong. I took it all because I want to feel that "highness", just like when we drink at home. I'm not miserable. I felt that it was the perfect place..with 2 people I trust and the beach. I guess it was just wrong that I took it without knowing the consequences. So I'm sorry if he got upset, but I'm not sorry that I took it. And FYI, this is my blog. I can be the most OA person in the world here in my blog. These are all my craziness, my dramas, my senseless thoughts...

The sadness I felt on my birthday was not because of the effect of the shrooms. I've been dreading that day for weeks. I dunno. I keep talking about this frikking "crisis" I'm in. And now, I understand. I was afraid. I was frikking afraid to admit to myself that for 20 years that I've been here, I've done nothing amazing that I could be proud of. I'm behind. It has nothing to do with school or anything. I've been feeling like I'm behind with my life. I've been a frikking brat for too long and I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I did all this to myself. I made all these choices and what I'm regretting now is all my doing. I dunno exactly what it is that I'm talking about here. I just FEEL like I'm behind. Probably with experiences, maturity.. I dunno.

Moving on. My dinner with my barkada was fantastic. As always, they were there to listen to me and my whining and why I'm not celebrating... well I just basically told them I'm not ready yet. My long dramatic explanation would have required them to listen to me the whole evening. We were all there to listen to everyone, and it was great to hear from everyone. Ida, felt for me and she knows what I was talking about..so it's good to know. Karla was there!! I was so happy to see her. Abby and her "love"...I still need to have that bonding session though with Gaston. Hehe.. Since it was a school night, we couldn't stay til midnight..but it was amazing. Hayy...more of those please.

The things I do for...hhhmmm.. Haha!!! It's funny. Zaza and I were jogging last night and there you go. Maybe next time...

Oh and I've actually began to pray again before I sleep. The Goddesses have persuaded my to pray. And I am. And those OBE will never happen, I guess. I write down my prayers like a journal. And it helps. It really helps. I've done that Tickle test about my dreams and their meanings and it's consistent with what I'm searching for actually.. Security and control. OOHHHH.. I guess that's another blog... for now.. It's tata... my sister's waiting..

OHMYGOD THE MOON!

Finally, I've gone to the beach. My beauty marks are now white and I'm black. Huwaw. The highlight of my long weekend was the shrooms. Thanks to the shrooms, I had a good trip that Friday night under the stars and the moon. Oh yes, the moon. I was laying in the sand gazing at the sky waiting for the moon to be exactly above me. Wasn't able to wait for it though. I was feeling so much emotions pero steady lang! I was really really happy because the setting was so perfect and it was simply beautiful. "Shroomtastic!" as Joey describes it. But then it was sad that I was there with those people I barely knew (except of course Jan and Ate Erin). I had a great time, no question but it wasn't as fun as it could have been if my close friends were there. I was quiet most of the time hoping that somehow the shrooms would make it possible for my friends to be there that moment with me, feeling what I'm feeling, or at least they were just there enjoying the night, talking about whatevs. But the shrooms couldn't do that. At least I'm thankful for the temporary happiness and 'highness' it gave me.

March 1. I woke up and I said a little prayer. I'm thankful for the 20 years of life that God has given me. I was already awake and I was just there in my bed pretending I was still asleep when my Dad sang to me, what else, but the "Happy Birthday". I didn't want to wake up just yet. I didn't want to go through this day. Everyone would be greeting me, wishing me things and I didn't want to pretend like I'm happy or anything because I'm not. But oh well. Life is a stage. I really don't know what time I was born so I can't say if I'm still a few hours away before I'm 20, or maybe I already am. Oh well. I'm still not ready for this day, but as Aga told me, I have to face the music. Fine. Literally, I'm not celebrating. I'm not in the mood and I really don't want to. My Dad asked me where we're gonna eat later, but I said we're not going out. I want them to just give me the money for my phone, which is still about 20k short. Then when he got out of my room, I went to the bathroom to take a piss and tears just came out of my eyes. This is sad. I'm crying the morning of my 20th birthday. I just feel guilty that I'm not happy. This day calls for a celebration but the celebrant refuses to party.

Later I'll have a late dinner with The Goddesses, minus Teng and Eboy plus Jet and Gaston. Woohoo. At least. I've missed those girls and there's a lot of catching up to do. I love my girls. Last year, they surprised me when they came here. But today, there'll be no surprise. It's a planned dinner on my birthday, on a school night. How touching. Maybe waiters and waitresses will be singing a birthday song for me or maybe not. Maybe my friends will be singing..but it doesn't matter. I'm just looking forward to tonight.

As for my family, I feel guilty that we're not eating out. We'll just watch a movie. There's a lot of good movies in today, thank goodness.. Who knows, it could be my treat.