All Grown Up!

So my brother left for Pittsburgh. Then I realized, we're all grown up. We have our own lives and we make our own decisions.

The Beatles Got It Right

There are times when I just feel weak and helpless. It's raining today, and I usually love this kind of weather but not today. I feel like I wanna throw up, my hands are cold and I'm so out of it. I can't work properly. On times like these, i can't help but think of all sorts of crazy things like collapsing or whatever. Then I remember Elvin. I feel his warmth and just the thought of him holding my hand eases all this pain.

All you need is love.


**I'm officially baduy.
And I'm okay with it.

Suppression: Things I Shouldn't Do at 23.

Over the weekend, my dad said something to me that I totally disagree with. Well, for one, I feel like he's in his andorpausal stage. One minute he's happy, and then he's raving mad the next. And being the only child at home really doesn't help. Where are my siblings when I need them? Maaannnnn. I'm seriously thinking of moving out. I actually kinda said that out loud by mistake last Sunday, and he said, "No."

"No," is such a powerful word for me, especially when it's uttered by my dad. I am 23 years old and I'm still seeking for his approval, and I'm beginning to hate myself for it. Seriously!

As a kid, I was taught to obey the elders. There are rules and standards to be followed, no questions asked. Disobeying, I have learned will result in very serious consequences such as spanking in the butt (although this never happened to me), or me being grounded, no use of computer, etc. So I just obeyed these rules growing up, tried to measure up to what I think was acceptable to my parents and for the most part, avoided confrontation with them.

I feared my parents when I was younger. Both of them had Type A personalities and I've seen them battle it out with words and the last thing that you wanna do is to upset them. I remember going home with my report card and I had a 79, I was crying and I didn't wanna talk to them because my agreement with them was I won't get a grade lower than 80. My dad was trying to compose himself as so not to burst, but he'd just let out a huge sigh. I could have done better. Ohwell.

I think this is one reason why my siblings and I just came together. We did the 'bad' things together (like getting out of the house in the afternoon without our nannies knowing), so if one would get caught, all of us will be scolded. Except for the few instances when Ate Erin or Kuya Nono got the boot. This would even go to getting things one wanted. Sometimes, we're just too afraid to ask for something we wanted, so we'd just say all of us wanted it, but looking back, yeah, we all wanted it the Play Station, for example. We helped out each other, Covering each other's asses was understood, and that goes on until today.

We're a happy family. I'd like to think we're normal and we've a close relationship with each other. But one reason why we don't go hugging each other is because our feelings have always been suppressed. One thing I notice is, whenever something upsets any of us, we'd go in our room and lock ourselves in it and we won't come out until we feel relieved. We won't talk to each other about it. We'll just move directly to forgiveness, without knowing how or why it was resolved, or was it resolved in the first place. I remember, when Zaza and I fought about something, we were forced to hug and kiss each other and once that's done, we're good. While my dad was forcing us to do this, Ate Erin and Kuya Nono were in the background laughing at us. I was about 5. I even have a picture of it! Now that I think about it, it's weird that we would move straight to the hug with all our anger and emotions bottled up inside.

And so I did. Whatever happiness or sadness I felt, I hid from my parents, with the fear that they won't like it. When I went to a soiree, I just said we hung out in my friend's house. I had my nose pierced when they were out of the country. I admit, when I saw their reaction with a silver stud in my nose, and they didn't know how to react, I enjoyed it. There was a huge sigh of relief when I was finally shifted my boring Eco-Accounting course. It was a struggle. They think I partied my way out of college, and that I am still partying at work. They don't know how frustrated I am that my sister is taking an "art" course, and they're excited to take her to different places: New York or Switzerland, when they told me that "art" won't bring me anywhere until I finish a business course.

I'd like to think I have moved on. I really do.

Which brings us to Saturday. My dad was in the van telling me I shouldn't act "too in love" with my boyfriend, that I should suppress these emotions I feel because there are certain norms and standards that the society has set for me to follow. That I shouldn't be dancing with him while I'm holding a beer, in my cousin's birthday party because it is an embarrassment to them and to my grandparents. That I shouldn't go to his house because it leaves a bad taste in the mouth, that I look cheap.

I seriously don't know how to react to all that. I was at the back of the van. I knew that no matter what I say would be wrong to them so I resorted to sarcastic remarks such as: "Generation gap lang yan, " or "Edi cheap ako, " or "Abnoy ako eh."

I mean, what could I possibly say? What's wrong with acting "too in love?" Isn't that a good thing? I can't even believe that I am being told to suppress something so good, if not one of the best things that ever happened to me.

And what's wrong with dancing with my boyfriend with a beer in my hand? He even had to tell my cousins to tell me to stop dancing. I mean.... WTF? I wasn't even drunk. I knew my younger cousins were there but I'm 23, I can drink whatever I want. And it's a party. They were serving beer and there was music. What do they want me to do? Drink iced tea and sit down? For the record, my grandparents enjoyed dancing with me, eventhough I had beer in my hand.

Finally, so what if I go to my boyfriend's house? We were gonna paint and his stuff was in his house. He goes to my house most of the time, and I know how far he lives from Alabang. It takes him frikkin 2 hours to get to my house from his house, so I thought, I'd go to him this time. And besides, we live in the age where women are most free. Old traditions don't apply anymore.

For all those 3 situations, I was just being myself and they can't even accept it.

HIT ME! - Edel

So I had to visit my doctor the other day and apparently, my hormones are imbalanced again. My last visit to the doctor was last year when I had alopecia and my period got weird. This time though, I still have my hair (I'm growing it), but my period is weird, so immediately I thought this has got to be the hormones.

What's even more weird is the fact that I don't have so much work load now. I'm in fact, in my office doing this because there's really nothing to do. This has been goin on for 2 weeks already. My mind's starting to wander off. I'm getting bored and I'm looking at job opportunities abroad. Hah!

Point is, because of this hormone thing, I'm back on The Pill. I hate taking meds. Especially not this one, because it makes me fat. Sure, my boobs will get bigger, but everything else will be bigger: my thighs, my arms, my tummy. Arrrgghh. I should really start exercising again. Actually, I've been planning to...since the year started but... I've so many buts. I will, I will. SOON.
_________________________________________

A lot of things have happened in the past few months. For one, that Bacolod trip I was supposed to have with my blockmates last May never pushed through. Haha. But, went back to Singapore to visit Zaza a few weeks ago and it was fun. Got to appreciate all these artsy stuff. But more than anything, it was great to see my younger sister. She has matured in a lot of things, I must say but she's still a whiner. She still complains about everything. I can never truly understand her situation, I guess. She's there alone, while I'm here comfortable. All I want for her to do though, is for her to change her attitude. She's always on the defensive, feeling like everyone's after her. She should just embrace this experience and learn everything she can because she'll learn something about herself too. Well! Easier said than done!

Oh, and when I was there, I finally got to do the reverse bungee! That was one hell of a ride. I threw up after, lost my watch and triggered my vertigo, but I'm glad I did it.

Hmm, what else is new? My mom has "retired" from Dependable Packaging and Printing House Corp...or so she says. Haha. What's really funny about my MUTHER is when she says she'll do something, almost always, she ends up not doing it. I mean, she still goes to her office, plus!!! She's looking for a new office because she and my dad formed another company. Don't ask me what, I just know it's a trade company. Good thing about her retirement is she's now into golf. Every week, she'd go to the driving range and have her lessons. What's even better is finally, my dad has someone to play with. So now, they talk about golf non-stop. It's cute. My folks are cute.

Then there's Ate Erin, who moved out for the second time. With the prices of everything, and I mean EVERYTHING increasing, she decided to save. SAVE!!! OHMYGOD! My curly-haired sister only knows how to spend money is saving. SAVING!!! Haha. And she's happier too. I can see that she's very happy with Raoul. Raoul's such a nice guy. Too nice, in fact. Sometimes I feel like if something goes wrong it'd be because of my sister. It's mean yeah. But then I think that Raoul knows how to deal with her, in ways most of the people around her, even me, don't know how...which makes Raoul good for her. At the end of the day, I'm just happy to see her happy.

Then there's my brotha. The genius that is my brother, is going to the US to study...hmmm... what is it exactly? Uhh. Game development. He passed the test and got accepted in one of the top Computer Science schools in the US. How badass is that! He'll be leaving fro Pittsburgh soon, in a month actually since school year starts in August I think. They've been checking out the net, looking for a place where he can live. Wow. Things are happening so fast! I dunno what his plan is with Tricia but my gut tells me he'll propose before he leaves and then they'll have a very long engagement. Haha. He'll be there for 2 years. Wow. I wish him the best of luck.

Seems like everybody's got something going on with their lives. And I'm starting to feel the pressure of I dunno what...moving out or getting an MBA, working abroad. Hayy. I am somewhat bored with my career, honestly. I feel like I need a new challenge or a new environment. I've become very comfortable with my job that I don't get excited anymore. Arrgggghhh. Maybe this is why I am stressed. And it has dawned on me: why do I feel like I have to live up to my parents' expectations of taking over the business? I mean, clearly, Culinary Arts and Game Development has nothing to do with what my folks have established. But then I realized: I am good at making money, and I am a good business person, and taking over isn't really my goal, it's more of developing my own business with what I know and what I do best. I am starting to realize what I want to do. I kinda know what it is but it's not that clear yet (if that makes any sense). I need to iron this out. I need to start now. I mean, I only have less than 5 years to make my first million. And believe me, I will. I just don't know how yet.

I Can't Think of A Title.

I haven't been blogging as much as I used to, as much as I want to. Blame it on the work load and tight schedule. Actually, I've been wanting to write in my blog, but there's so much in my head, so much to say that I don't even know where to start. So, I'm starting off with Sex And The City Movie I watched last Tuesday.

For a girl like me, Sex And The City is a dream. To put myself in Carrie Bradshaw's shoes (Manolo Blahnik shoes, take note), is something that I have been fantasizing about since I could remember. To walk in the streets of New York with so much confidence in those amazing clothes with a smile on my face, showing the world that I have made it and I'm content, really is the ultimate dream.

Maybe for some New York is a cliche. One would probably say that New York is overrated. But I am a romantic. I believe in soulmates and all that jazz. Just the thought of being in New York gives me the chills. I've been there once and it's a city that breathes on it's own. It's a scary place to be in but at the same time you'd want to be part of it. I wanna be part of it. Someday I will. New York! New York!
___________________________

The film started off with the premise that people go to New York for the 2 L's: Labels and Love. Basically, that's what life is about, isn't it? For a girl like me, at least. The modern woman strives to achieve success. Success may come in many forms, but to me, success is all about getting paid the big bucks for something I enjoy. To be able to buy all the things I want on my own gives me fulfillment. I know money cannot buy TRUE happiness, but reality is, money can buy a lot of things that makes people happy. Labels can be achieved with passion, hard work and as my Dad would say, you need a little bit of luck, too.

Now for the second L: Love. It's such a strong word and for centuries, people have been trying to define what it is. Songs have been sung, literature has been written about this one thing, and yet it's still a mystery. I guess, a person can never truly understand it until it happens to her. I am lucky to have found love at the right time. Maybe the reason for the long wait was because I wasn't ready then. I have fully embraced a life with partnership. Singularity, as much as I loved my life then, I can't imagine going back to it again. (But, take note, I'm still an independent woman, okay?) Passion, on the other hand I believe should come with love. Lastly, for a relationship to last, it requires hard work. 3 months into the relationship, everything's great. We're very open and we talk about whatever needs to be talked about. I know, it may be early to say. But I will make this work. We are gonna make this work.

Bow.

On Love and the Future...and Babies.

At this point, I wouldn't know if someone reads my blog, but I haven't blogged in a really long time and I miss it.

So, so for the big announcement that I'm sure my 'readers' all want to know. Yes, I have a boyfriend. For two months already, actually. Yes, I'm in love and very happy. I met him through my GH boys: Aga and Ted. He's Aga's barkada in high school. He's an art director for Eventscape Manila, but moreover, he's an artist. He paints and he's amazing. I had my doubts at first but I guess the attraction (on all levels, meaning not just physical) was there. He proved to be sincere and I think most of all, he gets me. I met him November, got together in February, but I feel like we've known each other for a long time. He makes me very, very happy and I'm in love. So, that's the end of that. Next!

As for my job, I am still doing events for Arc. I'm happy with it. I'm used to the stress and I think it makes my work exciting. I think I'm gonna stay in the company for another year. I've to figure out my future. Seriously. Thinking about the future kinda scares me. I know I want to go to New York or London or some place fierce to study / work / whatever. I feel like I need to do it. I need to do it for me. I don't have a gameplan yet, and that's what scares me. I know I want a creative agency of my own, and that's why I need to go out and see the world. Hayayay.

On babies. Haha. It's crazy I know but I just have to let it out. Since late last year, I feel like I want to have a baby. Of course, I haven't gone out of my mind, and no, I'm not having a baby anytime soon. I dunno what the reason for this is, honestly. I'm finding it all funny. Haha.

Attracting the Good Vibes!

Today is January 16, 2008. The year have just begun and my life's getting pretty interesting.

For one, I've my travels scheduled. This January, I'm going to Subic. For February I'm in Cebu and Vietnam. May comes and I'll be in Bacolod! And that's just for May! I'm sooo going places this year, ahluvit. Travelling, especially with family and friends is always fun. Going to different places, regardless if you've been there before is always a delight for me.

Secondly, I'm dating. And my friends know me. I NEVER date. Well I did, since it really started last year. I was just mum about it cos none of it became serious and I wasn't serious about it. But now I'm kinda into this meeting guys and stuff, and I must say, it's pretty fun. I'm not exclusively dating one guy. I'd like to stay open. So this "single ready to mingle" I guess is really applicable now. Haha. Am I on a quest to find true love? Not really. I just thought, meet as much people (should be interesting enough), enjoy the flattery (aka free stuff and gifts), learn about yourself in the process, and maybe I'll bump into...uhh.. him? (I would have said Knight in Shining Armor but then.. I don't need saving, thank you. I would have said Prince Charming but that just sounds so superficial, and I'd like to think I'm not. Haha!).

I've started reading again! I've an officemate who thought I should read Gaiman so he lent me Coraline, which I really enjoyed. So now, he gave me another book, Archangel and I'm enjoying it. Then my other officemate happens to love poetry, and loves Neruda so the other day, I brought my 2 Neruda book of poems to him. Then it was like high school again. They lend me literature, I give them movies to watch. Haha. It's pretty cool.

Then Kathy and I just made a risk list. One of the things to do for 08: Go to a mall on a regular day, in full costume. Haha. Then there's one thing that I've been fantasizing of doing: dance in the rain. That's so cute, right? This list ain't done yet..so maybe we'll get back to that soon...

I am claiming 2008 and this shall be my best year yet. I'm not saying there won't be tears and arguments. That would be boring. What I'm saying is, I'll take risks, I'll break the rules (okay, maybe just a few), I'll do something exciting that I've never done before. I'll work my ass off but I'll make sure to party hard and get drunk with good friends once in a while. I dunno exactly how all these will happen. But I just know it will.